Here we are, Tuesday morning in Salt Lake...a few things on 'the radar' as far as possible openings, opportunities, etc. Christopher & I head out into the city at 10am...find our way to an 'interview' of sorts, which went well enough - - something about demonstrating products on the weekends...the woman- Allyson- was in a Hotel, upstairs boardroom called 'ROME'....should've been a clue perhaps, foreshadowing future events...'when in Rome...'
We were greeted by 'Sunshine' at the front desk, and caught a glimpse of a continental breakfast, which promptly 'disappeared' when we didn't take advantage of it on the way in...(or maybe it's time was just 'up'- depending on your perspective). From there, we headed across town to look into some apartments that may be opening for us...in a cool area - -we left a message...drove back to my folks where my little guy awaited lunch just prior to afternoon kindergarten.
After his 'drop off' we had 3 hours to maneuver before pick-up time. I had seen something on-line about a Job Fair at the Expo center near our gym and thought we'd make a quick stop in to see if anything interesting caught our eyes...and then head to the gym for a workout. We still are open to see where the universe wants us, after all...so what could it hurt?
Me in my flowing long gray pants and him in his purple shirt, we walked the long corridor through the Expo center. I had never been there - the installations were admirable and lofty...with a beautiful view of the western mountain range. A quick walk-through at the fair fell flat on our interest and so we headed back out and returned the way which we came...south through the giant building. We both noticed an older guy with a cane sitting on a bench, who, when we reached another 200 feet or so down the corridor, there he was again. It startled us both a bit, and Chris said something like 'wow! are there two of you?' - because it seemed implausible that he could move that fast and appear as though he was comfortably sitting in a 'new' place so quickly. He didn't seem amused. We attempted light conversation and he weighed it down with talk of the extreme pain he lived within daily, as he described how his bones sat atop one-another in his legs with no cushions. I paused, searching inside if there was anything of any real help that I could say or offer to this guy. Christopher asked him if he had any advice for me...and he looked at me and said 'grab his hand and run!' Perhaps another warning still unheeded, for the situation seemed not to warrant such drastic measures...so we jovially made like 'running' a bit, then stopped to engage him just a moment more. After I offered to make his walk to the car easier, he abruptly declined and headed out of the building at once. Somehow this interaction opened a window...we felt there could be more meaningful interactions to have, perhaps, and the proverbial ice was broken in the realm we now traversed...why not go on?!
Back down the long arching walkway through the enormous structure we went, back toward the 'Job Fair' for one more round ... 'just be open' we agreed. Once we got through the first of only two short aisles, I noticed an empty booth with no one sitting there...booth number '32' said the sign taped to the top. Now, being that I have sat a great many trade shows in the past, I felt very comfortable sitting at this empty table, knowing by this stage in the game, the people were likely not coming. What harm in sitting for a moment, to see what happens? Chris takes a seat next to the table, and I go behind. All that is on the table is the number '32' - big and obvious. We are seated next to the 'Army' booth to the North, and to the South, a booth called 'Fat Pipe' - whatever that means?
We sat there, just observing...wondering what was on people's minds...wondering if anyone really knew what they were looking for...
After several minutes I reached in my bag and pulled out a tiny bottle of Palo Santo essential oil...an oil I have used many times to kind of 'shift the space'...it is used much in the same way as Sage - in South America - to 'cleanse' the area...and so forth...I was just attempting to shake things up a bit to see what would happen, and little did we know how much it truly would...for moments after the oil came out, a man in a black jacket came walking by us (we were in a back corner) and commented that we won the vote for the worst decorated table...and then disappeared for a moment through a black door. Soon he was back out again and walked across the floor away from us - we could subtly see the outline of angel wings on the back of his jacket and we assumed that we just got a 'cosmic check in' of sorts through this character...who was he? What did his comment point to? We weren't sure, just simply took note.
The booth did look plain, so just for kicks, I took off my black and white scarf and layed it across the table...soon people started to take more notice of us and come by... first a man who turned out to be a computer software engineer. He asked what we were there for. We stated that we were just taking a rest - giving encouragement, it seemed, to passersby on their hunt. He smiled and for a moment engaged in some conversation as Chris asked him about software engineering. He mentioned that many companies think you less valuable in such a position as you 'get older' and by his age - he was considered brain-dead in the industry...Christopher asked more details about computers and the man seemed happy to explain how writing programs was, to him, equivalent to the Creator making us out of DNA and proteins and such, of course us being much more complex and magnificent - - the engineers hardly coming close with their creations, though attempting the best they could. The question was posed 'can you make a program with consciousness and free will of its own?' to which the man replied 'no'...'computers are stupid, you have to tell them everything...the closest they ever get is making improvements based on 'educational' information...Hmmmm....I thought - sounds like most humans - - only doing what they are told...interesting. He walked away.
Soon another man in black came by...when he asked what our business was - I replied 'Love'... thinking I was joking - he asked again - - 'the Love Declaration' - I replied...'cool' he said...and proceeded to drop words like 'when I was a rock star' and 'this awesome leather jacket I got...' etc. etc. before walking off.
Who was this guy? Things were getting strange.
A woman, who was very friendly, but sported a big black eye - came to inquire of the booth next to us - 'the Fat Pipe'. 'With a name like that', she said, 'you have to know what it is'...Chris piped... in something about pipes...and then something about 'fatties' was dropped by another...laughter abounded. The woman said something about hoping we got the most recruits cause we were so friendly. We found this amusing. As she walked away, Christopher asked the two rather buff guys who remained if they knew about Lifetime Fitness...they had...and in fact had memberships there. Interesting yet again.
Now it wasn't too long after this that a woman in a black shirt carrying water bottles arrived on the scene looking someone skeptical of our presence...I could sense it in her. She tried to ask us what our business was, and we said something about being there for the fair, but resting. Asked what she was up too...she casually responded... Still not convinced, she asked what line of work we were in...Chris replied that he'd clean the carpet or give a public speech - and anything in between. Really? She wanted to know. What had he done in the past....?? now she wanted specifics...when he filled in the gaps not to her liking, she spoke under her breath 'you would not be needing these then'-- (referring to the two water bottles she held)...and off she stormed, quietly. I knew our time was now limited...she was not understanding our presence there and was about to make trouble. Something in me sensed that our window for this spontaneous happening was closing...it was only a matter of time...but we waited it out.
I pulled out some pixie dust and then a few stones - which we would look at and talk about between friendly visitors, which were now increasing, especially after the pink-tourmaline ...which is all about Love and bringing people together. And then the golden topaz came out...a very intentional stone ruling the power center. Time was up. A man came by in white just before this - extremely friendly wondering what we were up to...we kept saying we were just 'being'. He loved that we were sitting there, he said, and then handed us both his white business card about some kind of film or graphic arts work he does. His name was Cannon. The messenger had arrived...the final messenger. The Cannon was now going off, and the 'games' were about to begin. It was none too soon that the man in black with angel wings returned with another man...a man who introduced himself as having paid for the facility, or something of that nature. He asked us if we paid for the booth and we said we were just having a rest there. This did not sit well with him, you could tell...and the stories in his mind of what we must be doing, were welling up not to be disturbed by the truth...there was no bringing this thing to peace...suddenly we were accused of coming in and without paying, trying to recruit people from the fair...that we were engaging their clients with no right to be there...hmmm?????...this sounded a little strange coming out of his mouth. I mean, didn't have a right to be sitting and having casual non-job related conversations with other humans ?? Huh? We were told we must leave...and we had 10 minutes to do so. We both looked at him, it was surreal...he was obviously deeply disturbed and did not like that we did not respond in a manner that was subservient to him and his 'authority'. 'What is wrong with you? Why are you just standing there? Are you high?' he continued...'high on life' I said with a smile- and simply checked in with my body...I could feel the intensity of the energy on the rise in that very spot. All the rest of the happenings seemed to fade into a blurry back drop. These two men, attempting intimidation, had brought along a woman recruit - who stood there staring...Christopher turned to her, as if to try and break her stare, waved at her and said 'hello'. They began to get pushy. We mentioned that we were just there for the fair, we weren't doing anything wrong. Now, they most certainly were feeling defied...the threat of 'just one call to the Sandy Police' and something about 'trespassing' was mentioned. 'We don't want any of that' Chris stated calmly. 'Then walk to the door, would you like us to escort you?' they spoke in their 'very serious voices'. 'Yes, please, would you - these doors here?' ...once we had slowly made our way through the doors and were being pointed out, I said that I thought we would exit another way...'fine!' was their response, as they coldly watched us walk off. What just happened??
Did that really happen?? I guess we could have seen it coming. We could see that the man who reappeared in black, with the wings - could have been on either 'side'...because he surely made his initial presence with the Palo Santo. Who knows, it is all speculation now. There was no way to defend, nor no need to try and defend what were innocent actions....for they already had decided why we were there and what we were doing. The 'man in charge' could not risk his ego being deflated were he to accept that we could indeed just be sitting there having casual conversation with passersby, with no attempt to or intention to recruit anyone. The sin here was motivated by money...the sin was the ignorance and inability to ask questions.. The sin was in closing the mind and heart and not wanting to know peace in that moment.
The amazing thing is to note that there were 'cosmic clues' to the impending 'shut down' of spontaneous love. Had we heeded there arrivals...we could have avoided confrontation and attempt to close us down with fear. The woman with the water bottles was my clue...I had the feeling she did not agree with our presence there and was going to 'tell'. After that ...the man with the white card - - he too was a clue...
It's okay, and rather exciting to have such energy move through the day. No doubt we lightened a lot of people's day - it made me smile...and even those who tried to play 'enforcers' will think of this event into the evening of their days...and perhaps reflect on their accusations made in fear and anger.
From this I take away a great joy from the spontaneity engaged, and the connections made with those who were 'job hunting'. I take an awareness of how the universe speaks to clue you into knowing how far you can take 'unconventional ways' in public. And I appreciate now, how in stories and movies- the angels and messengers would deliver their message, and then quickly disappear. I know we will be more aware in the future of when it is time to 'bug out'.
My human mind cannot help but question the sad state of affairs where humans are 'not allowed' to have conversations with each other where the area is 'supposedly purchased' and that your innocent and loving desire to connect with other humans and live out of the ordinary could end you up with a 'trespassing' charge. Strange, very strange indeed.
For now, I will bring myself back to present, and ask myself where within myself as the One Life - where do I feel that I AM trespassing??? where do I feel unwelcome - - within?? For perhaps my outer environment arises to speak of these inner things...I will meditate on this...
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
'Raising a Child -(up)' - - to age 5 - - and beyond
Awakening from the 'dream' state into this state of reality...seeming more and more like a dream that I am awake in - - as I can still sense the fluidity of the realm in the night scape...waking to the presence of a small person who is demanding...one with whom I am moving in the direction of a new arrangement as far as our interaction, what comes out of his mouth and how I get 'treated'. This is a challenge, one I must 'stay on top of' and not lose my way back down the mountainous terrain of yesterday when I just let the trail be walked, and I followed, to see what was next...and yet that's how parenting has always been since day one...forgot to get off the 'pregnancy-birthing-baby' train, I guess...cause when your growing a baby...it just happens, and you don't have 'control' over that...and when you are birthing a baby...it just 'happens' and you don't have control over when or how that's gonna go...only your response to it...only your level of acceptance, possible techniques for relaxation, adaptation, etc. And when you have a baby crying, sleeping, pooping, doing its thing...you really don't have control over it - - it just IS what it is...and you do what you can do to keep up with the rhythm nature is pumping at you...and it isn't that the baby is in control, cause they aren't in control of themselves...its all new to them and they are at the mercy of this world and their bellies, and their pooping and all they can do to make a contribution is to cry - - trying to get something out of the mouth that elicits some kind of a response, and it does and someone comes, and sometimes comforts them from the craziness of it all...
And then the kid gets bigger, and more information begins to compute, and the parent is just doing their best to follow the path they are taking and make sure that kid finds the trail ...and not the road....finds the bite of food on their spoon, and not the stairs, ...finds the toy and not the nail...
And then the words start... and worlds between the two of you begin to unfold as you start to get to know the being inside that flesh...and its awesome, cause what once was silent, and only yelps and cries is now becoming words and interests and information feedback to all these years you have spent on their behalf as a servant of one new beings evolution...and so communication starts...and at first you are in awe, and tickled by ever little thing they can say - and you are over joyed they can say anything at all...and you listen contently and you open your heart and you open your eyes - - and you remember how not so very long ago this being was nothing...and then a lump in your belly, and then a squirm in your gut and then pushing out of you and then a crying thing in the night and then...something something...and now this. It's a miracle they can learn language...having come from within you...and now you can clearly see their identity starting to develop...and they are taking on more and more...and it's time for you to let go, a little more, a little more....yet it's at unclear intervals and its happening more slowly, more quickly, and not at the pace of 'anyone else's kid' and there is no guidebook - except the one writing itself deep inside your hopeful intuition. Hopeful, that you are tuned in correctly (with all the lack of sleep and vested interested) and hopeful that this child starts engaging life in the way that engenders personal empowerment. You are hopeful that they find their way in this world in a way that is their own, and yet somehow 'keeps up' with their age-group development..knowing they are their own person developing at their own pace, and yet knowing that life can be cruel to one who develops too differently or too much more slowly than others of the same kind.
Now they are 5 years old...school age - they say...and they are creative, deeply creative builders, constructors, crafty and cleaver...you can see that they use language unlike other kids...and with that know-how comes manipulation...they know how to 'get you to do what they want'...and since you have been used to 'following them around' and watching their every move, now they want you to, and feign crying when you don't...and now you have to assert your personal space, your personal freedom from this game, your 'right to have quiet', your place as the 'grown-up'...now as you haven't ever before - - not even before they came...there was no need, not in this way. No one has ever before vied for your attention this way, no one has ever before demanded you in this way, no one has ever before treated you as if your only purpose was for their existence...and that you must not have a life of your own....and though you never had to think of life this way before...now you somehow must - for the survival of you - for the development of 'them' for the sanity of all. And so the game changes, and disciplines must arise onto the screen of your collective play...for those who will enter into the game with you now, whether as partners, friends, family or temporary stays - they will all be affected by the level at which these disciplines are effective. Close relationships will be most affected, as your very Self will be challenged to show...your ability to be strong, yet compassionate, helpful, yet stern, loving yet consistent...you must stick to your word and now allow your ear to be bent too far in the direction of their stories...you must sense immediately -through the fog of personal memories and joyful communions with this being - twisted intentions and attempts to bind you, keep you and have you bend to their will...and though you are wanting to be a vulnerable instrument of the divine for the purposes of love and compassion to this being now in training....you are also must be a warrior of truth, righteousness in action, strength and inner resolve - to stand strong in the face of all this innocent manipulation. For innocent it is...they only have the knowledge of what has been before...the insights gained by them in their infancy, that IN the crying and the clinging they found embrace, love and assistance....they must learn a new reality now that is very different...one that feels to them like being shut out in the cold and being told just the opposite of what imput they have received up to this point...they must learn that if they do it them self - - then there is praise, if they find it within them self to succeed, to find the courage, to do it without being repeatedly told, to pick it up, to put it down, to brush it, to dress them self to do all of these things that have been being done for them...if they can do these things...then the world will open up so much more magic to them. . . If they can learn that the adults' role in their lives is no more to 'do everything for them', but to instead observe that they are ready to learn more. . .and offer those experiences to them. . .as they are ready - - then the world becomes a giant education station and the 'grown-up' simply the door-openers to new knowledge which can be found.
And so, I soon leave this screen of insight and transverse the plains of child-rearing...more like child-fronting...for they become the forefront of the daily priorities...and hopefully we are not leading them to the 'rear' but to the head of the game...where they may thrive and become the highest versions of themselves. May we, the parents, guardians, friends, relations, add-ons, and all those associated with the 'child-raising' process, become finely attuned to the realness of what is going on. May we SEE with eyes beyond our physical, the person trying to burst out from their small suit of skin...may we HEAR what is really being said, through the tears, whines and demands, and respond to THAT request first. May we feel with our heart and love fully one another - - not in a 'special' way, but in the way that each and everyone of us deserves to be loved. . . as the beautiful expression of the ONE that we are. Let me go forward now and not forget, but REmemeber -- myself in the club of the ONE.
Grateful am I for this course in which I am enrolled, let it be for my spiritual betterment and the evolution of my being and ALL. This day and always. AUMen
And then the kid gets bigger, and more information begins to compute, and the parent is just doing their best to follow the path they are taking and make sure that kid finds the trail ...and not the road....finds the bite of food on their spoon, and not the stairs, ...finds the toy and not the nail...
And then the words start... and worlds between the two of you begin to unfold as you start to get to know the being inside that flesh...and its awesome, cause what once was silent, and only yelps and cries is now becoming words and interests and information feedback to all these years you have spent on their behalf as a servant of one new beings evolution...and so communication starts...and at first you are in awe, and tickled by ever little thing they can say - and you are over joyed they can say anything at all...and you listen contently and you open your heart and you open your eyes - - and you remember how not so very long ago this being was nothing...and then a lump in your belly, and then a squirm in your gut and then pushing out of you and then a crying thing in the night and then...something something...and now this. It's a miracle they can learn language...having come from within you...and now you can clearly see their identity starting to develop...and they are taking on more and more...and it's time for you to let go, a little more, a little more....yet it's at unclear intervals and its happening more slowly, more quickly, and not at the pace of 'anyone else's kid' and there is no guidebook - except the one writing itself deep inside your hopeful intuition. Hopeful, that you are tuned in correctly (with all the lack of sleep and vested interested) and hopeful that this child starts engaging life in the way that engenders personal empowerment. You are hopeful that they find their way in this world in a way that is their own, and yet somehow 'keeps up' with their age-group development..knowing they are their own person developing at their own pace, and yet knowing that life can be cruel to one who develops too differently or too much more slowly than others of the same kind.
Now they are 5 years old...school age - they say...and they are creative, deeply creative builders, constructors, crafty and cleaver...you can see that they use language unlike other kids...and with that know-how comes manipulation...they know how to 'get you to do what they want'...and since you have been used to 'following them around' and watching their every move, now they want you to, and feign crying when you don't...and now you have to assert your personal space, your personal freedom from this game, your 'right to have quiet', your place as the 'grown-up'...now as you haven't ever before - - not even before they came...there was no need, not in this way. No one has ever before vied for your attention this way, no one has ever before demanded you in this way, no one has ever before treated you as if your only purpose was for their existence...and that you must not have a life of your own....and though you never had to think of life this way before...now you somehow must - for the survival of you - for the development of 'them' for the sanity of all. And so the game changes, and disciplines must arise onto the screen of your collective play...for those who will enter into the game with you now, whether as partners, friends, family or temporary stays - they will all be affected by the level at which these disciplines are effective. Close relationships will be most affected, as your very Self will be challenged to show...your ability to be strong, yet compassionate, helpful, yet stern, loving yet consistent...you must stick to your word and now allow your ear to be bent too far in the direction of their stories...you must sense immediately -through the fog of personal memories and joyful communions with this being - twisted intentions and attempts to bind you, keep you and have you bend to their will...and though you are wanting to be a vulnerable instrument of the divine for the purposes of love and compassion to this being now in training....you are also must be a warrior of truth, righteousness in action, strength and inner resolve - to stand strong in the face of all this innocent manipulation. For innocent it is...they only have the knowledge of what has been before...the insights gained by them in their infancy, that IN the crying and the clinging they found embrace, love and assistance....they must learn a new reality now that is very different...one that feels to them like being shut out in the cold and being told just the opposite of what imput they have received up to this point...they must learn that if they do it them self - - then there is praise, if they find it within them self to succeed, to find the courage, to do it without being repeatedly told, to pick it up, to put it down, to brush it, to dress them self to do all of these things that have been being done for them...if they can do these things...then the world will open up so much more magic to them. . . If they can learn that the adults' role in their lives is no more to 'do everything for them', but to instead observe that they are ready to learn more. . .and offer those experiences to them. . .as they are ready - - then the world becomes a giant education station and the 'grown-up' simply the door-openers to new knowledge which can be found.
And so, I soon leave this screen of insight and transverse the plains of child-rearing...more like child-fronting...for they become the forefront of the daily priorities...and hopefully we are not leading them to the 'rear' but to the head of the game...where they may thrive and become the highest versions of themselves. May we, the parents, guardians, friends, relations, add-ons, and all those associated with the 'child-raising' process, become finely attuned to the realness of what is going on. May we SEE with eyes beyond our physical, the person trying to burst out from their small suit of skin...may we HEAR what is really being said, through the tears, whines and demands, and respond to THAT request first. May we feel with our heart and love fully one another - - not in a 'special' way, but in the way that each and everyone of us deserves to be loved. . . as the beautiful expression of the ONE that we are. Let me go forward now and not forget, but REmemeber -- myself in the club of the ONE.
Grateful am I for this course in which I am enrolled, let it be for my spiritual betterment and the evolution of my being and ALL. This day and always. AUMen
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Learning to Serve only LOVE
It is early March in 2013...while I tried typing that I 'accidentally' wrote '2012' and then '2014' before getting the '3' in there...I wonder what that means??! Probably nothing, and yet - time keeps morphing in ways I could not explain. I am sitting here in what is known as Salt Lake City, for what timekeepers would label one week - and yet it is surely much longer than that...so much has occurred...and yet very little at the same time...does that make sense?
How did I get here you might ask? For only a 'short time' ago I lived in Portland, OR. teaching yoga, authoring books, making chocolate, part-time parenting...and now, I am not teaching, not writing (except in this moment), not making chocolate, parenting full time, and not living in Portland, Oregon. What happened? It happened. IT happened...THE event I had been counting on for a millennium...true. Though nothing as I would expect it, expecting nothing, only hoping, only musing, only passing time with leisure activities and interests... and NOW. . . now it is here, and life has turned upside down, every side turned every which way but the way it was and what is being asked of me in this newness for which I anticipated for all of time and no-time? I know not fully.
What is IT, you may ask?, This monumental occasion for which all things have been traded in for their illusive counterparts? The only way I can describe it without it sounding too mundane or being confused with events some may be familiar with and so therefore missing what I'm saying entirely - let me just say that I saw my true reflection in the mirrors of the illusion and chose to jump down the rabbit WHOLE after myself ...with full abandon, ready to release all previous fears and made-up identities about who I thought I was, to embrace who I have always known I could be...I stepped off the ledge, so to speak...I followed the shining light around the corner into new territory and left behind all traces, nearly, of who I used be.
In this ledge-stepping, it was required of me to 'sacrifice' or 'trade-in' - at least for a time - the identifiers to life 'as it were'...to find 'life as it could be' with the finding of this aspect of me long hidden from myself in the realms of eternity. I know, still illusive, but I feel I must remain such - at least at this juncture. Those of you who know me, know of which I speak, and some of you can feel it...perhaps it seems obvious...and this is how I knew it was really worth going after - really worth stepping away from all the friends, jobs, community and life I had created so beautifully up until this point in my life...I knew because in the glimpse I got - through other eyes - of me, that me - that whole me - ALL of me in my truest essence, in my purest expression, in my most present and powerful possibility - in this glimpse I could see a life worth trading it all for. Okay, so now it is more plain for me to say that it was not for the man himself...and yet he was (and is) there/here, rather for the plain opportunity being presented to me - through the experience of a relationship with him - from spirit, to step into the parts of myself that could be deeper explored, parts that hold real treasures as yet unearthed.
And so, in this glimpse of possibility, I left my home, I sold nearly all of my belongings, I moved my child away from his dad, I quit all the work I was doing and took myself to unfamiliar territory...I drove south - the farthest south I could this side of Texas - and 'showed up' to make a go at life from a new perspective. I moved my son and I to Yuma, Arizona.
When I arrived to the place 'the other part of me' waited, he was 2 days into a water-fast. My son would not be arriving until one week, and we drove out to a campsite 35 miles north and set up camp. It was there we lived for the next 15 days while 'the other' continued the fast. You have no idea what kind of issues someone else's water fast can bring up in you when you are living in close proximity to them and doing little else. The sun shone and the winds blew. The coyotes howled and owls hooted... days came and went while we practiced yoga asanas, breathing and meditation. I was nearly at my wits end come the last few days of the fast. I was almost convinced that he didn't want me there at all and I had 'traded' my whole life for 'god-knows-what'. This last part is actually true, because only God knows what is really going on at any given time. Why had I really done what I had done? I had seen a greater potential for my existence then what I was living...and so I followed the current, that also seemed to be radiating from his direction.
Life took us into town to the home of family...from here work seemed to arise that was taking the interest of 'the other'. At the same time, I enrolled my kiddo in his very first school experience, mid-way through the school year. This second event was not prepared for properly, and though my kid is very bright, we had not been practicing the sorts of things he was confronted with in the classroom. Unfortunately this mis-alignment of interests left him feeling like 'a moron', in his words, among his school mates.
During this time several opportunities presented themselves which would have allowed for a smooth integration into this new world and open up possibilities that were before unseen... and yet both of us missed the boat...an opportunity for advancement within his job as well as a place to live - both could have adverted imminent disaster...the kind of disaster that led to a quick exodus and relocation that we are still adjusting to and looking for the opportunities to arise within.
5 days only, after the first day of school, and 10 days of working did it happen...the proverbial 'sh#*' hit the fan. and it hit hard. Family, which was already unsure of our landing there...and now, spending a significant amount of time away from the campground, and in 'common-ground' was beginning to lose patience. Vocals rose and with them came the inability to see the horizon...the place from which a new life births. We were asked to leave the grounds. Well, that is imprecise, it was more like we were threatened with legal rights to usher us off the property if we did not voluntarily leave.
Now, don't get me wrong, I was trying my best to be present with an already uncomfortable situation and allow for the universe to open the opportunities for us to be where we needed to be. Granted, we had missed a few cues already, so now it was tight...we would be in danger of trespassing soon and yet, it seemed that some areas of life were opening up. School was in session and 'the other' part of me - - he -- was busily engaged in personal training sessions where he could really put his truth into action and support others in improving their life. I could tell it was making him happy. The last thing I wanted to do was to stop that...and yet here we were with the 'notice'. I wasn't sure how to comfort myself in it and I felt I needed to ask my folks if their doors were still open for our coming there. And when I checked, they surely were.
Now, ever since I moved away from Utah in 2000, I have never ever seen myself moving back. I have had a great disdain for the way the city is over run with commerce and the 'beautiful' places seem few and far between or hard to get to,,, or simply don't exist. I love my family, but felt sad they had all decided to stay in Utah since our big family move from Portland in 1988. In my current predicament I felt I had very little choice...we needed a place to live that was financially not demanding of us at the moment...where we could 'launch' from and find our place in the world. And so...on a Wednesday night, just a week and a half ago, late in the evening, with car packed and tears in my eyes - we headed north toward Las Vegas...my little one oblivious to what was happening.
The next night we drove as far as St. George, UT where the weather was still nice. We had been greatly spoiled in Yuma to have spring, if not summer-like weather, day after day. It was a difficult move to get past the warm weather...so we spent 2 nights in St George. We also struggled personally. . . at times during the road trip it seemed this little family was going to crumble. My boy was coming down with something...it could have been the quick and un-discussed dissolving of the life he was beginning to know...but whatever it was - it caused friction. My partner was unsure about the move as well, as he was missing an appointment set up in Yuma for 2 days after our departure...something seemed off.
What could we do - - ?? I felt compelled to finish the journey north and have somewhere to safely land my head and child. At this point of the journey I wasn't sure he was going to stick with me anymore and I had to start thinking for myself, it seemed. What would I be doing if it was just me and my boy? The answer seemed obvious. -- get to my folks. Go to where you are welcome, where the love is.
Okay - so then came perhaps the most important part of the journey. ,.the most transformational that has made everything after it possible. . .when I was truly ready to surrender the love and the relationship I received a revelation of what was really being asked of me in this communion, in this coupling. I saw how this man was here to truly serve the One Life, the Greater Good, the LOVE - more than any being I had ever known. I saw that my love for him, was my love for that truth...and that I needed to release my need to be loved by him, to be needed by him and instead serve only that love - - to give for the sake of supporting him in his mission to serve the ALL. I knew that it was possible that if I could truly do this, with unselfish motives, that it may happen that he loves me the way that I need...but this could not be the reason for my service, for my love. I could feel and know that God wanted to bless this man in every possible way, to give him everything - love, family, riches, foods, all manner of blessings -- and that I was being used as a portal for those blessings. that it would continue to be true as long as I had no selfish motives for this love...And so that night, in southern Utah, I released my need to be wanted...and surrendered to the greater mission of LOVE.
All has changed from this. All has changed. I felt a true and deep transformation occur in my body and mind...the needs and desires I had were gone... my love was purified and I felt sure in and of myself in this mission. Our love and relationship has miraculously transformed because of this. A fortification is occurring. I trust that because of this change...that all else will be added unto it - that by the time we are all in our health again that it will become clear what we are to do - what is next - how we are being asked to serve. To that I surrender.
So, one week ago today, we landed in Salt Lake City. It was 50 degrees and it seemed like a good omen of welcome.
Since arriving the major cleanse has been passing through. My little one immediately came down with it - and has been feverish, coughing, chilled, not sleeping, achy, etc. for a week...I started coming down with it several days ago and really got hit hard last night. My partner has been mildly affected the past day or so... and is off to the gym for a reprieve. On the first Monday of our arrival, we went to check out a gym for which I had made inquiries for work through, and ended up signing ourselves up for a month membership there. It is a great place - like a big fitness mall. It feels good to be there. We have not, as yet, had the opportunity to bring my son there - due to processing of his deep emotions and body stuff...perhaps tonight.
So this all brings us to Salt Lake City on the eve before daylight savings time begins. I sit on the love seat in our room, the room my grandmother lived in before she died...with a scratch in my throat and a still unsettled question in my mind of what I am truly to be 'doing' here? Do I go back into realms of familiarity and teach yoga again? make chocolate? entertain health & wellness as a 'job'? or is it being asked of me, of us to try something new >? Has the universe gone to all this trouble in order to prompt me into new action, new possibility? And if so, what is it? For, truly, I cannot see myself going and working for someone else at a 'regular job'. and yet, we need to do something in the way of 'making a life' for ourselves. Though he and I both see this in very different terms than the rest of the 'many'. Somehow we know that we are not ultimately in charge, that there is a 'greater good' playing out and we are merely hands in it. So, now we ask - I ask, for the benefit of myself, my family and the greater good in this region, and in all of existence....what will you have me do - universal source? What will you have us do? What is being asked of us? called forth from us? What is ours to do - now? in this space/time in which we find ourselves? And why here? Why Salt Lake? ...Please show us the way.
As I sit in what seems to be the 3rd month of 2013 - - unsure that time really has the same hold on me it once did...I open myself to the miracle that is transformation and turn over my whole life and what I thought I knew into the universal wheel to churn out what is greater, what is more whole, what is more beneficial to the ALL...now. For me to recognize and take hold of in the way that I may serve the people, serve the Oneness, serve my own evolution and the evolution of All.
Thank you, thank you for the discomfort, the trials, the sacrifice and the wandering...I know they will amount to something.
My heart is large...as I feel the relationship I have so long felt on the periphery of my existence now in my present moment. . here. . . full and beautiful. Like a home-coming, like a relief after long waiting. I am grateful for the presence that is brought home to me with this soul in my life. For this alone is all this worth it.
So, to this I say - - there is nothing that can keep back the great love - - when you know it, when you commit to it with all of your heart and when you are unwilling to be the one to walk away, as you have always done - but instead choose to serve only LOVE. . .not the love of the relationship, but LOVE - the eternal loving presence that IS.
That's all I have to say for now...Bliss in the House.
How did I get here you might ask? For only a 'short time' ago I lived in Portland, OR. teaching yoga, authoring books, making chocolate, part-time parenting...and now, I am not teaching, not writing (except in this moment), not making chocolate, parenting full time, and not living in Portland, Oregon. What happened? It happened. IT happened...THE event I had been counting on for a millennium...true. Though nothing as I would expect it, expecting nothing, only hoping, only musing, only passing time with leisure activities and interests... and NOW. . . now it is here, and life has turned upside down, every side turned every which way but the way it was and what is being asked of me in this newness for which I anticipated for all of time and no-time? I know not fully.
What is IT, you may ask?, This monumental occasion for which all things have been traded in for their illusive counterparts? The only way I can describe it without it sounding too mundane or being confused with events some may be familiar with and so therefore missing what I'm saying entirely - let me just say that I saw my true reflection in the mirrors of the illusion and chose to jump down the rabbit WHOLE after myself ...with full abandon, ready to release all previous fears and made-up identities about who I thought I was, to embrace who I have always known I could be...I stepped off the ledge, so to speak...I followed the shining light around the corner into new territory and left behind all traces, nearly, of who I used be.
In this ledge-stepping, it was required of me to 'sacrifice' or 'trade-in' - at least for a time - the identifiers to life 'as it were'...to find 'life as it could be' with the finding of this aspect of me long hidden from myself in the realms of eternity. I know, still illusive, but I feel I must remain such - at least at this juncture. Those of you who know me, know of which I speak, and some of you can feel it...perhaps it seems obvious...and this is how I knew it was really worth going after - really worth stepping away from all the friends, jobs, community and life I had created so beautifully up until this point in my life...I knew because in the glimpse I got - through other eyes - of me, that me - that whole me - ALL of me in my truest essence, in my purest expression, in my most present and powerful possibility - in this glimpse I could see a life worth trading it all for. Okay, so now it is more plain for me to say that it was not for the man himself...and yet he was (and is) there/here, rather for the plain opportunity being presented to me - through the experience of a relationship with him - from spirit, to step into the parts of myself that could be deeper explored, parts that hold real treasures as yet unearthed.
And so, in this glimpse of possibility, I left my home, I sold nearly all of my belongings, I moved my child away from his dad, I quit all the work I was doing and took myself to unfamiliar territory...I drove south - the farthest south I could this side of Texas - and 'showed up' to make a go at life from a new perspective. I moved my son and I to Yuma, Arizona.
When I arrived to the place 'the other part of me' waited, he was 2 days into a water-fast. My son would not be arriving until one week, and we drove out to a campsite 35 miles north and set up camp. It was there we lived for the next 15 days while 'the other' continued the fast. You have no idea what kind of issues someone else's water fast can bring up in you when you are living in close proximity to them and doing little else. The sun shone and the winds blew. The coyotes howled and owls hooted... days came and went while we practiced yoga asanas, breathing and meditation. I was nearly at my wits end come the last few days of the fast. I was almost convinced that he didn't want me there at all and I had 'traded' my whole life for 'god-knows-what'. This last part is actually true, because only God knows what is really going on at any given time. Why had I really done what I had done? I had seen a greater potential for my existence then what I was living...and so I followed the current, that also seemed to be radiating from his direction.
Life took us into town to the home of family...from here work seemed to arise that was taking the interest of 'the other'. At the same time, I enrolled my kiddo in his very first school experience, mid-way through the school year. This second event was not prepared for properly, and though my kid is very bright, we had not been practicing the sorts of things he was confronted with in the classroom. Unfortunately this mis-alignment of interests left him feeling like 'a moron', in his words, among his school mates.
During this time several opportunities presented themselves which would have allowed for a smooth integration into this new world and open up possibilities that were before unseen... and yet both of us missed the boat...an opportunity for advancement within his job as well as a place to live - both could have adverted imminent disaster...the kind of disaster that led to a quick exodus and relocation that we are still adjusting to and looking for the opportunities to arise within.
5 days only, after the first day of school, and 10 days of working did it happen...the proverbial 'sh#*' hit the fan. and it hit hard. Family, which was already unsure of our landing there...and now, spending a significant amount of time away from the campground, and in 'common-ground' was beginning to lose patience. Vocals rose and with them came the inability to see the horizon...the place from which a new life births. We were asked to leave the grounds. Well, that is imprecise, it was more like we were threatened with legal rights to usher us off the property if we did not voluntarily leave.
Now, don't get me wrong, I was trying my best to be present with an already uncomfortable situation and allow for the universe to open the opportunities for us to be where we needed to be. Granted, we had missed a few cues already, so now it was tight...we would be in danger of trespassing soon and yet, it seemed that some areas of life were opening up. School was in session and 'the other' part of me - - he -- was busily engaged in personal training sessions where he could really put his truth into action and support others in improving their life. I could tell it was making him happy. The last thing I wanted to do was to stop that...and yet here we were with the 'notice'. I wasn't sure how to comfort myself in it and I felt I needed to ask my folks if their doors were still open for our coming there. And when I checked, they surely were.
Now, ever since I moved away from Utah in 2000, I have never ever seen myself moving back. I have had a great disdain for the way the city is over run with commerce and the 'beautiful' places seem few and far between or hard to get to,,, or simply don't exist. I love my family, but felt sad they had all decided to stay in Utah since our big family move from Portland in 1988. In my current predicament I felt I had very little choice...we needed a place to live that was financially not demanding of us at the moment...where we could 'launch' from and find our place in the world. And so...on a Wednesday night, just a week and a half ago, late in the evening, with car packed and tears in my eyes - we headed north toward Las Vegas...my little one oblivious to what was happening.
The next night we drove as far as St. George, UT where the weather was still nice. We had been greatly spoiled in Yuma to have spring, if not summer-like weather, day after day. It was a difficult move to get past the warm weather...so we spent 2 nights in St George. We also struggled personally. . . at times during the road trip it seemed this little family was going to crumble. My boy was coming down with something...it could have been the quick and un-discussed dissolving of the life he was beginning to know...but whatever it was - it caused friction. My partner was unsure about the move as well, as he was missing an appointment set up in Yuma for 2 days after our departure...something seemed off.
What could we do - - ?? I felt compelled to finish the journey north and have somewhere to safely land my head and child. At this point of the journey I wasn't sure he was going to stick with me anymore and I had to start thinking for myself, it seemed. What would I be doing if it was just me and my boy? The answer seemed obvious. -- get to my folks. Go to where you are welcome, where the love is.
Okay - so then came perhaps the most important part of the journey. ,.the most transformational that has made everything after it possible. . .when I was truly ready to surrender the love and the relationship I received a revelation of what was really being asked of me in this communion, in this coupling. I saw how this man was here to truly serve the One Life, the Greater Good, the LOVE - more than any being I had ever known. I saw that my love for him, was my love for that truth...and that I needed to release my need to be loved by him, to be needed by him and instead serve only that love - - to give for the sake of supporting him in his mission to serve the ALL. I knew that it was possible that if I could truly do this, with unselfish motives, that it may happen that he loves me the way that I need...but this could not be the reason for my service, for my love. I could feel and know that God wanted to bless this man in every possible way, to give him everything - love, family, riches, foods, all manner of blessings -- and that I was being used as a portal for those blessings. that it would continue to be true as long as I had no selfish motives for this love...And so that night, in southern Utah, I released my need to be wanted...and surrendered to the greater mission of LOVE.
All has changed from this. All has changed. I felt a true and deep transformation occur in my body and mind...the needs and desires I had were gone... my love was purified and I felt sure in and of myself in this mission. Our love and relationship has miraculously transformed because of this. A fortification is occurring. I trust that because of this change...that all else will be added unto it - that by the time we are all in our health again that it will become clear what we are to do - what is next - how we are being asked to serve. To that I surrender.
So, one week ago today, we landed in Salt Lake City. It was 50 degrees and it seemed like a good omen of welcome.
Since arriving the major cleanse has been passing through. My little one immediately came down with it - and has been feverish, coughing, chilled, not sleeping, achy, etc. for a week...I started coming down with it several days ago and really got hit hard last night. My partner has been mildly affected the past day or so... and is off to the gym for a reprieve. On the first Monday of our arrival, we went to check out a gym for which I had made inquiries for work through, and ended up signing ourselves up for a month membership there. It is a great place - like a big fitness mall. It feels good to be there. We have not, as yet, had the opportunity to bring my son there - due to processing of his deep emotions and body stuff...perhaps tonight.
So this all brings us to Salt Lake City on the eve before daylight savings time begins. I sit on the love seat in our room, the room my grandmother lived in before she died...with a scratch in my throat and a still unsettled question in my mind of what I am truly to be 'doing' here? Do I go back into realms of familiarity and teach yoga again? make chocolate? entertain health & wellness as a 'job'? or is it being asked of me, of us to try something new >? Has the universe gone to all this trouble in order to prompt me into new action, new possibility? And if so, what is it? For, truly, I cannot see myself going and working for someone else at a 'regular job'. and yet, we need to do something in the way of 'making a life' for ourselves. Though he and I both see this in very different terms than the rest of the 'many'. Somehow we know that we are not ultimately in charge, that there is a 'greater good' playing out and we are merely hands in it. So, now we ask - I ask, for the benefit of myself, my family and the greater good in this region, and in all of existence....what will you have me do - universal source? What will you have us do? What is being asked of us? called forth from us? What is ours to do - now? in this space/time in which we find ourselves? And why here? Why Salt Lake? ...Please show us the way.
As I sit in what seems to be the 3rd month of 2013 - - unsure that time really has the same hold on me it once did...I open myself to the miracle that is transformation and turn over my whole life and what I thought I knew into the universal wheel to churn out what is greater, what is more whole, what is more beneficial to the ALL...now. For me to recognize and take hold of in the way that I may serve the people, serve the Oneness, serve my own evolution and the evolution of All.
Thank you, thank you for the discomfort, the trials, the sacrifice and the wandering...I know they will amount to something.
My heart is large...as I feel the relationship I have so long felt on the periphery of my existence now in my present moment. . here. . . full and beautiful. Like a home-coming, like a relief after long waiting. I am grateful for the presence that is brought home to me with this soul in my life. For this alone is all this worth it.
So, to this I say - - there is nothing that can keep back the great love - - when you know it, when you commit to it with all of your heart and when you are unwilling to be the one to walk away, as you have always done - but instead choose to serve only LOVE. . .not the love of the relationship, but LOVE - the eternal loving presence that IS.
That's all I have to say for now...Bliss in the House.
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