This blog I wrote back in September of 2018...but I failed to post it. All felt too raw and real and deep. After just a few short months of intense integration and shifting in my world - I am in such an incredible head space and heart space. It is the contents of this particular share which initiated me into a much deeper relationship with myself and with love. I am so grateful to have traversed this path. I hope my share might inspire you. <3
Warning: This blog is deeply personal and super raw. I'm sharing because this is what's REAL in the moment. Not for any other reason. Perhaps in my vulnerable share - you too will find the courage to be more fully you.......
I can hardly believe more than a half of a year has passed since blogging. It has been one of the most emotionally intense years of my life, as if blasting me through so many layers of unresolved karma and heart walls that I am here with still a quarter of the year left - gasping for air. For the first time in my life today I leaned into the the mental and emotionally draining space of the desire to dissolve completely into thin air. Yes, I wanted to disintegrate. The humiliation gripped me to my core. Life has taken me through the wringer the past few years especially, with a multitude of moves - including across state borders, several significant relationships dissolving, a serious health diagnosis for one of my children, work uncertainty, betrayals and emotionally abusive situations that could no longer endure. I have lived in single rooms, on a boat, in a tent, on other people's couches, in other people's rooms, in beach houses, in hotel rooms and in cars.
Emotionally, I am exhausted. Physically, I feel aged where I haven't in decades previous.
At the moment I am again "in-between" - feeling as if my entire former self is being eradicated. I don't know who I am becoming, where I am going to live, what my life is unfolding as in the here and near. What I have felt I have wanted both, at the same time, feels the furthest away it has ever felt AND the closest to ever manifesting. It is like being ripped down the center and finding that the pieces falling away are the ones which have ever kept the dreams from becoming a reality.
This is only my guess... my optimism trying to save me from the depths of depression...
I guess the dream-realization will have to come next in order for me to confirm such a statement. Although I sit here in the upper room of a friend's parents house's extra room, - that friend being someone who I have deep and strong love feelings for and yet who finds himself in too complicated of a life situation to even notice if he feels the same...claiming he would rather remain friends. Claiming he in fact does NOT feel the same, nor does he want a relationship. It is one of those moments where I look back at the string of relationships past and both give thanks for the experiences of life AND at the same time, mourn all the time spent not with the one deep love that I wish I'd already found and was sharing my life with. Watching the kids grow with me. Enjoying the wonder of life and the moment, kissing, laughing, crying, falling asleep in the early morning hours after wildly making love all night and talking about the future. You know, that person who is your best friend who you know you can be any old way with and they won't judge you. That person who loves will love me no matter if I am crying in a pool of tears on the floor, or flying high in authentic bliss and success. That person.
I can't complain, I have two amazing boys. I love them more than my own life, and I guess, in a way I gave up my own life to have them with me. I don't regret that for a moment...however, when it comes to other people joining in my reality - [because I DO have a reality...my kids, my life, my "thing" - kind of already rolling, "put - together" in the best way a broken family with no home can be] ~ And when I say other people joining, I am referring to men "testing the water" with us...only to find that we are "too much," in one way or another. Too much for them that is. Not for us...for us we are just enough, always, with more room to grow the love, expand the creativity, know the experience. We are never too much in love, too much in kisses and hugs, too much in encouragement and support for each other...in fact, I am not sure you can get too much of that. But I get it, too much screaming sometimes, too many demands from the kids or myself, too many emotions - for the man who isn't comfortable with such a thing, but I am...at least I have learned to be. Emotions are part of me, though I don't identify them AS me, I also do not restrict their presence in my life. I do cry, but sometimes not for years....not unless I feel unheard or unappreciated. Not unless I feel devalued and my heart feels jabbed or thrown around - these are the times the tears flow...they tell me that something is out of alignment, I am learning, that if it were "right" there would be not as much cause for the tears. Although I do see that when I am triggered, as I have been in this "relationship" - the tears flow because I see that I have deep wounds around rejection of love which get aggravated by any words which sound like "I reject your love" to me.
Sure, I am all about relationship alchemy. Those of you who know me and know my work can attest to this, where the relationship becomes the alchemical pot for transformation. Yes. This is true. Issues are called to the surface in alchemical union - whether union is acknowledged as "legitimately happening" or not - a perfect union will enact soul alchemy. The dross will be surfaced, pain will be felt - and the "job" of the relationship IS to see the alchemy at work and to support, with love and appreciation, this process. However, if both parties do not acknowledge the alchemy at play, and continue to work with the transmutative process which has begun through their joining, then the relationship will instead begin to look more and more abusive and eventually become totally so. This I have already experienced. . . this is not the place I want to be.
I want the mirror who wants to do the work with me. Who acknowledges that "falling in love" is a choice and a process to handle with great honor and care. I want the man who is up for that challenge, who is in it to win it and wants to jump off that incredible cliff with me - because he'd be a fool not to. I guess I haven't met him yet. Or if I did, I didn't know it at the time, or he didn't.
What a journey, this life. Why so much uncertainty?
Isn't everybody just looking for love?
Why is that so hard to recognize?
Why am I starting to feel as though I won't find it again?
So many other things call to me - a house of my own, fulfillment in work, travel, the stability and happiness of my kids, the conscious evolution of the planet, etc. I am happy to see that my oldest is finally back in school and loving it. That is seriously a miracle manifest. Just this one thing alone could dare to cancel out all of my sadness...to know that he is, for once in a long time, happy. My heart soars at this knowing. I am so grateful. This past few years with him has been some of the most difficult moments of my life.
And now I am here. I suppose I am always seeing myself as if I am the main character in a movie...and that of course, the other main single good-looking man in the scene with me is going to fall in love with me, and I with him - of course. I see myself as the star. I know all my quirks and qualities and I am in deep love with myself. I have no complaints. I think I am amazing 100%...and the weird part is that the other men who show up cast in the scenes with me, they don't always see me...or see it. They are busy judging themselves on the casting. Or they are projecting on me, some past woman who they have as yet, unresolved emotions towards. So frustrating.
Have I cast myself in the wrong movie?
What is the point of this journey if not to love and love deeply?
Why does it seem like so many people are just acting like deep love is important, but actually trying to skip it all together.? I mean, I get it, self-love is crucial first. before you can truly love another, you must love yourself....but maybe it is because I never really had an issue with that one. Until maybe today. Today I wanted to hide, to dissolve, to disappear. The humiliation in knowing that the man I am with does not want me, does not feel that way for me...but I am "stuck" at his dad's house for several more days due to "nowhere else to go" and his invitation for me to come - which I stupidly misconstrued for him actually wanting me to be here because I am delusional in love, and instead he just wanted to help me - one friend to another - Well...the truth hurts. It is true. It does hurt when it doesn't fit the longing of your heart....the risk you thought you took for the realization of potential love and happiness.
Not to mention, as a single mother, there is no greater wish than to find that one perfectly awesome man who not only loves you to the moon, but also falls in love with your kiddos and wants you all to be his new life. So whenever that dream doesn't realize (yet again) it is a major downer. "Life's a Bitch" must have been first said by a single mother on about her 12th failed man post-babydaddy.
My heart hurts to the core. Why does he have to make me feel stupid and like a burden for loving him so? Shouldn't he be so lucky? Of course he should, but he isn't...and now the blame falls back on me for being such an idiot in the first place for falling for a man who was so obviously emotionally unavailable from day one.
Here I am - in I don't know land...and I don't honestly have a fucking clue what I am doing...and yet, the sun sets and will rise again tomorrow, two days closer to the next unknown thing in my life. And something will move. It has to...though it may be my ass in a tent in a friends yard...I know that something, somewhere, somehow, something must give way....to the next part of this thing.
In the meantime, I am crying all the tears that need to be cried...even though I look like a burden and a bother and "too much" to some. I will cry them because if I try and keep them in I will drown in them. And I will move on, once again, beyond this man who I have managed to fall in love with despite his lack to fully meet me heart to heart....despite the fact that when we make love he usually doesn't look at me...and I often wonder if he is thinking of someone else instead...and I keep loving him and holding him and making love to him anyway because even though this whole story sounds like I don't love myself very much that I would involve myself in such an obvious rejection story...the fact is that I love myself so much, that the hurt I feel and the tears I cry really reflect the hurt this man feels too...that I feel when I am with him, and the tears are both my tears AND his tears - uncried. I cry them because he cannot or will not and because I can, and I will....and how do I know this? I know because my love for him does not waiver even though he says all the mean things to me to get me to go away. My love doesn't waiver although he claims not to love me. And best of all, my love of myself never goes into question despite his lack of love for me, despite his telling me that I am a bother and a burden and too much.....because I actually do feel his love for me.
I do feel it - past the words which contradict.
And although today I wanted to disappear into oblivion...I was okay feeling that way because I know that isn't really how I feel...it was just the feeling of the day, of the moment, and maybe he has felt it...and because I love - I feel it. And I am willing to feel it - for him, for myself, as a human, as a woman, as a lover....even alone. And I would feel it again and again if only just to love.
And here is where my story is both demented and beautiful....for I know that no matter if I never find the one who will stay and love me and my kids and bring me flowers and call me love - even if I never meet him and if I never have that "happy family" .... I have glimpsed it in the arms of this man, and in the moments we have shared. I have tasted it - even if he denies its existence... and I suppose I have tasted it in thousands of different ways with men over the years. And if I piece them all together in my memory, well, there is something close to wholeness there. Is that pathetic ? Or beautiful - like the Japanese pot art whose beauty depends on the broken pieces glued back together?
Going forward...well, I leap out into the unknown, knowing that there must be a destiny for me. I trust - one with heart. I trust that life is only preparing me for the best next I have ever seen...and that all my loving here, though unreceived, will somehow and somewhere find a place to be appreciated and built upon. And....within all of this longing for love and not receiving it - I am learning how to be a friend, if I can...if I can surrender my own heart for what wants to grow. He says he wants a friend. I have always struggled with this one - being friends with someone you have loved who won't meet you in the same heart of love. Few make it beyond the sexual intimacy of "not-quite love" into true friendship - but some do.
Why did I have sex with him in the first place?.... Call me crazy, because I too crave physical intimacy. Why did I continue to have sex with him? ... Because I fell in love with his every touch, with the way we feel when we come together, with the dream of falling deeper into each other and knowing God there. I kept having sex with him because, perhaps as a woman, or at least this woman, my heart wouldn't let me stop...even though it would have given me a greater protection ... but protection from what? The deeper love....and this is what is confusing to me about those who keep having sex with someone over a period of time but claim to to not feel love. How can it be? When something so deeply intimate as sex keeps occurring, bonding happens. It is bound to. Protection from love is denial of experience....for every human being is loving at the core... it is only our decision if we choose to open to it or shun it.
C'est la vie
That's life - the love and the longing for it. The loss of love or the blocking of it. It's all about love....just how far are you willing to go?
For me. I'll just be awaiting the flowers. And the words that tell me he is never going to go.
Even if I have to wait forever....I am THAT endlessly romantic.
And so, my story continues, with one more story to add to the pile. And though the universe DID, without a doubt in my mind, conspire to bring us together...staying together is a choice two people have to make. And for now, it looks like this train is getting ready to roll out.