Thursday, May 29, 2014

Mysteriously Working Itself Out...or is it In?

The vision seems to be getting clearer and clearer...and thankfully, all arrows are starting to point in the same direction...I must be on to something!

What happens when you take time between all the mind-chatter, good ideas, effort and sleep to slow it down and meditate?..

                                          Clarity. Answers. Signs, that's what.

I love the realization, again and again, that we are not in control here...and if we just get off our high horses which seem to keep tripping us up and making us fall down anyway, and just breathe into what is being revealed TO us...Through us...well, magic happens.

That is where I feel to be in this particular a magical inhale.  Thank you Universe for the fairy dust on the tips of my toes and the edges of my lips...Things happen in the most mysterious they aren't happening at all...and then they are.

Service is a great way to get the ball rolling if it has stopped, I've noticed.  Do something entirely out of the goodness of your heart and for free...and for FUN...and see what opens up...Don't do it to see what opens up, but just DO it...and something usually does.

This is what spurred the flow that seems to be running through my current now...all based on the preparations for a gathering...I let the fun in and the creativity in...decided to do some crafts with my kiddo and what do you know?! I am right in the middle of what seemed like "just for fun" I suddenly had an "ah ha!"...and "maybe this is for something more" kind of moment...and guess what?!  The very next day the reason showed up, the question came my way, and I realized I had already done the footwork for something that could now generate something "monetarily speaking" while I was just playing....hmmm go figure.

And this is why our kids are our biggest teachers.  This is something I keep learning.

When they want to play - go with it.  Even if you have something "important to do", in fact, ALWAYS and ESPECIALLY when you have something important to do...because that is exactly when they will pick up on the vibe that something inspirational is waiting to come through...but being the linear, logical thinkers we usually are in times of pressure...we tend to take the road away from the very thing we are wanting to channel....our kids on the other hand...they got their finger on the listen, just play.  Don't expect.  Just do the drawing, finger puppets, fort building, hide and seek, walk around the block, LEGO battle, whatever....just do it... and SEE what happens.

It may not happen right may not get it til tomorrow...

But hey.  A high percentage of the time - it's just what was needed to find that burst of inspiration that takes you to the next level.

For my 7 year old and me...the play was mutually beneficial.  ... in so many ways.

As my 6 and a half month old takes off crawling today for the first time, right in line with a Gemini New Moon...and new beginnings full of creativity and mental insights explode left and right...I am happy, no thrilled to say, the Yoga Nidra's I have been doing every night are mysteriously starting to show themselves working out in my waking now...I can't wait to see where this goes...


There are still details to reveal themselves...

And luckily's a journey...

Hoping Bliss is in your house tonight ...


Sunday, May 25, 2014

On the Heels of it... Yoga Nidra course is one video from completion...I couldn't be more thrilled!!

If you or anyone you know is at all interested in any of the following:

Relieving tension and stress
Getting better sleep
Unburdening your mind
Erasing Sub-conscious patterns that no longer serve
Planting new seeds of potential
Relieving Dis-eases in the body/mind
Letting go of Emotional upsets
Getting out of Insomniac patterns
Remembering your dreams
Tapping into Intuition and ESP
Personal Empowerment and Creativity
Connecting to Genius-Self
Inner-Child Integration
Tuning into frequency of Abundance
Refining Gifts/Talents
Lifting Depression
Getting off medications (with supervision)
Raising Awareness
Opening/Clearing Chakras
Teaching Yoga Nidra
Lucid Dreaming/Astral Travel
Improving Communications
Realizing your Dreams
Body rejuvenation and Self-regeneration/Immortality

and so much more...

Visit and sign-up for Yoga Nidra - Conscious Sleep Practice with Stasia Bliss (that's me) will be ready by June 1st.........I'll be sure to let you know here & on my Facebook page!!

This course is set up over a 12 week period...though you can do it faster if you is a great way to recharge and empower your summer with deep clearing and Re-patterning to the MAX.  This is a gateway you want to walk matter who you are - where you are - what you've been up to... I promise, this is the Ultimate Paradigm-Shifting Bridge!

I love this practice.!!!

Here is the short promo:

My Ears are Still that the Eternal OM or My Child?......

He's been screaming....for almost 2 days...intermittently, but often enough that I have questioned more than a dozen times if I know what I am doing...

His tooth hurts, he says...he is screaming...

It can't be a cavity, he was just recently at the dentist, having all his teeth worked on, cavities filled, etc. what is it?  He is a bit of a 'drama king', which is why I haven't really taken things too seriously for the days preceding the obvious "crisis"...but the intensity levels have risen...screaming took on maximum levels and I knew he must be experiencing some crazy pain...I felt sorry for him...

Upon inspection, I saw that something was definitely red and inflamed behind his front tooth...the one he has been saying was starting to get loose (and why I had dismissed it as severe discomfort from something simple - made huge)...but no, it looked like it was abscessing...


Here it is, the Friday night of Memorial Day weekend, where can I take him? Where can we go?  We aren't in Kansas anymore toto...(in other words... we aren't in Portland, where my Health insurance, including Dental is active...) we are "out of bounds" .... okay, think, think....I have knowledge of the body, of herbs, of natural remedies..."what would they do, most likely, if I took him in?"- I think...? ? ? ....if it's an infection, antibiotics....which I disagree with, which wipe out one's natural friendly bacteria, and which are less potent than some of nature's most potent alternatives...okay.  And pain relief....

Reaching for a "natural antibiotic" alternative..a mixture of myrrh, goldenseal, garlic, comfrey, white oak bark...oh, yeah, and cayenne...(sorry buddy) a base of alcohol (sorry again)...we have to douse this thing...two squirts...after much convincing that this is going to ultimately hurt LESS than he does now...(did then)...he concedes...screaming yet again! I know this stuff burns....sorry buddy....but it is strong...sometimes in just a dose or two...I dilute it this time, with water,...use a water pick..and we go back in...every 15 minutes...

He lets me do it again...this time we add garlic oil to the mix, much more mild, tastes like pasta sauce, he says...and a nerve tonic...just in case the nerves are affected...

After hours of screaming on and off...neither of us can handle the intensity...okay, baby aspirin is coming into play...I don't normally go there, but this is a semi-emergency...someone needs some relief...I can tell he is starting to feel delirious from the am I.

Baths with lavender, geranium, frankincense and epsom salts come to the rescue... two, no three by bedtime...did I mention I am taking care of my 6 month old too?? ...thankfully my sister is taking him with nearly every scream...bless her parents want to help...but sometimes it is a bit much, I can tell they need a break from all the screaming...they go out to eat....

By day two I can tell the swelling is down...he only woke once in the night screaming...the red is not he has an open wound in his mouth...that hurts!  Amazing how a kid will go down to almost zero food intake (thank goodness for smoothies)...while he doesn't feel good, when otherwise wanting to consume the entire kitchen as the day goes on.

Day two is better...we continue the garlic oil, but switch to a comfrey wash to rebuild the damaged tissues...I have to really find out if his screaming is still a "10"...or if it's less painful, it's hard to tell...he convinces me it's gone down...I know he doesn't feel good, he never takes naps and now he's up to 2 the first is several hours...and the next day he has already gone back for a nap...but luckily spirits are up.

I think we've passed the crisis...thankfully!!! His mouth looks better...he says he feels better...I have to let him know that I love him and want to help him, but can't listen to perpetual whining unless the pain is really intense...otherwise, I have to give up and take him in somewhere...I want to think I did it right...that I know what to do...that it worked,....but there is only so much a mother can take!

He goes back to sleep and wakes up telling me it is just his loose tooth now, the other is better....WOW! whew!
I get a shower in, stretching, a cup of tea and my morning mantras...I made it through.

I know I am doing good in myself when I don't fall apart during this kind of a trauma...
The little one is a happy little didn't even phase him...

What did I learn through all this??!!

Trust myself.

Trust myself.

Breathe through the intensity....this too will pass..."You know what to do"....It's not as bad as it sounds...Love wins...take care of myself...we can do this together...
Keep nourishing myself...

This IS my spiritual practice.  Being a mother IS my spiritual practice...all the other stuff just keeps me sane.  It's one things to do well when things are's another thing to keep your cool during the crisis....

Blissings to your house - - may you find comfort and peace even in the eye of the storm...

It takes a village and a calm presence...these children are our teachers.

Thank you


Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Floor Coming Rapidly Toward Us...

I am realizing today, again,...we are not too much unlike babies learning how to crawl.

We're flailing, we're flailing...wondering where this whole thing is going, just hoping someone will help us out.

Then...we're rockin it, rocking up where we can see a little bit, and we think we know what's going on, feeling on top of the world...and then we -- crash -- nose first, into the floor.

We don't give up...we get up again...we have to - there isn't another choice...and no one can crawl for you pretty much have to do it until you "get it" getting around it.

Even when we're close...putting one hand forward say, scootchin' those back knees forward, leaning toward something really cool we want ...sometimes, no.... pretty much every one of the first dozen or more times we reach for it- nose plant.  It hurts, we cry...we try again.

Guess what.  Mom and Dad think it's cute when we try...when we reach...they know we'll do it someday...and until then, it's pure entertainment.  Sure, "the universe around us" notices when we have been working on the same task with the same "environment" of toys for a while...and they/it decides to mix it up for us...give us a new which to try out our same skills...keep trying to about on this blanket? this one? how about outside? the bathroom floor? the bed? ....did you get it yet? Do different textures help?

This is in no way UNLIKE us working on any part of our next evolutionary does not usually come without some struggle and some nose plants...we get to try in different contexts, the same moves...and guess what - no matter how they feel...none of them are wrong...they all are giving us the opportunity to try and try again until we "get it"...isn't that cool?

As a parent...mortal guardian or infinite presence...we often see our "child" is heading for trouble...sometimes we divert them...other times, we let them "figure it out"'s not super kind to let them "get it in the face" every time...but it seems they'll (we'll) never learn if we keep moving all the treacherous objects for is full of doozies...but not cause those things are "bad" per say...we just haven't learned yet how to work with a pot of flowers when we're babies...and we may not have learned how to work with a job change, new partner or financial bottleneck as an adult...

We are not unlike babies learning to crawl...we are just "bigger babies" learning how to evolve into our next phase of growth too...our next opportunity for change awaits us.  It promises to be full of success...following a bout of "failed" attempts.  That's the fun of it.

So, when we see the floor coming rapidly toward us with no way to stop it, we might remember that little person learning to crawl...pick ourselves up and laugh a bit.  It's no big deal...we were made for this!

All of this from watching my 6 month old get more and more excites him, frustrates him, and pushes him to be stronger, more determined and to - yes- sometimes give up, cry, and want to be held.  Bless his heart for not pushing himself all at once to accomplish the whole task of....what? crawling, walking...talking, oh, yeah - it never never ends for us too.   Just take it one hand, foot, step at a time.  I love being reminded that it's okay to just curl up on the lap of "the mother" sometimes....and cry.

As the "years pass" and I think I should have had this thing figured out by now...I watch the little teachers around me and remember - I'm just out of diapers myself in many ways, it's okay to be learning how to walk in the new me I have found.  No shame in taking our time.  No problem when we fail.  It's about the destination, and it wasn't a failure...

Sometimes I wonder if these little mirrors we make came along to show us love, show us how we totally weren't getting it before, or just to give us a good laugh.  I'm sure it's all of this and more.

Tonight, I am happy to be taking a moment while the littlest naps and the biggest builds brilliant LEGO remember, when I take a nose plant I'm on the right track.

And so are you.

Blissings --- from this house to yours!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Bark Chips and Staying the Vision

My three year old nephew was visiting last week and if you know 3 year olds, they say the darnedest things...and this one stuck with me.  He told me how when he'd fall down playing sports he'd just get up and "shake it off" that adorable 3 year old voice..."when I play soccer, and fall down, I just shake it off...if I fall in hockey, that hurts, but I just shake it off..."

...and on and on through each possible sport...I loved how he put it - something I am sure he heard from his dad...but I couldn't help but realize how important that message was from the wise 3 year old counselor who came before me and left a lasting impression.

Today, as I am practicing my yoga nidras for various goals, I am coming head-on with some of my deepest fears and doubts which have seemed more readily to have found their way to my surface mind after night after night of inner nephew's words ring loud and clear as the negative self-talk tries to leave an impression - - -  "just shake it off"....

The Facebook post of the day "Believe in What you Want so Much it Has NO Choice but to Manifest"...

It is time to stop believing in the inklings of possibilities of failure.

                               Now is our time!

Each one of us is experiencing this in one way or another...I can hear it in your posts, I can see it all around me... those words and ever-repeating attempts of 'what-if' and 'can't' dialogues in the head are reaching the end of their rope...but in order to keep them from taking powerful hold once again, we just need to 'shake them off' and know that this time...our dreams are fulfilling as we step into the truth of who we are now - with vigor and excitement like never before!

A few weeks ago I had the privilege of watching a great Youtube video that I know changed my life...Astarius Miraculii......his message was great - as my dear friend who referred him to me assured me it would be...but upon deeper inspection of his other works I came across a concept that seemed revolutionary...though it is drawing on everything I know to be true.  It seemed to make it more tangibly real than ever...and that is - - celebrate everyone else's successes as your own.

Really?! Is that all?

It seemed like a 'duh' for sure I was already doing that,... but in this time that seems like a pressure cooker in so many ways...perhaps I started to feel a bit like everyone else around me had it figured out and I was tripping up major...and yet I knew it was all a part of the game...the play, the part....but here it clear - so inclusive of the idea of Oneness that I know to be true.

Celebrate others successes as if they were your own, and you will soon realize the same magic in your own world.

Ok!...I see it - - I have seen it before, but maybe lost my vision for a moment...but it's clear again, like the fog wiped away from the window, the glasses...

       They are celebrating a beautiful union, they are getting into their dream home, she is driving that amazing car, she just got asked to host her own talk show, he is receiving major success for his book, she is stepping into her role as a business leader, ...the list goes on...and the truth is - look what I am doing....I AM doing all these things ...through you, and you and you...for we are ONE - and when I celebrate with you - - as if it is me...cause it is...I FEEL the walls breaking down, the ones hiding my own experience of successes...

As children, we are often forced into continuing down the path of discomfort until we have a breakthrough..and it seems more visible.  Like my 7 year old.  As he started school earlier this year, the first grade...a new school...he was shy, scared a bit...didn't know anyone...didn't like recess where he was forced to 'play' when he would "rather sit and do math" he said...oh, how sweet...what I could hear through his words though, was his preference not to have to go out and socialize when he didn't know how, didn't want to play what did he do?  How did he endure the day after day challenge of no friends for what seemed like an eternity on the playground?

Each day, at the recess bell, my son would rush out and find a spot near the play structures, and study the bark chips on the ground...he would pick out the most interesting ones he could find and fill his pockets with them...bringing them home to start a collection on the porch.

Day after day he would come home after school and empty his pockets, filling a container we set out for this purpose.  Weeks went by, and each day, more bark chips - signifying to me, still no friends on the playground...he was hanging in seemed he had almost delighted so much in his project, I began to wonder if he now preferred it to the potential of playing with someone and maybe he would just continue to do this...?

But I was wrong, because - One day it happened.  One day he came home with fewer chips and mentioned the boy who sat and gathered chips with him...and every day after that - - no more chips...he had found a friend.  No longer was the crutch of the chips needed...he had crossed the chasm and was now home-free...into the land of the friendship that he desired all along.

Can I have this same fortitude when moving in the direction of any goal?  To not be "caught up" on the goal, per say, but create it - and then let go into the distractions that inevitably show up- like the music during the old-movie intermission??...that which surfaces to keep us 'company' while our order is being processed?? not give up hope - and to simply 'shake it off' if sorrow or discouragement set in...when thoughts arise which try to tell us we are dreaming...that this thing will never come??

For as another wise person once said something like this...good things come to those who wait, better things to those who are patient, and the greatest things to those who never give up!

Sometimes it is easiest to remember, when watching children grow, that they will 'get past this stage'...that 'it is just a phase'...and you know that time will only heal their wounds and see them from an infant into the person you can have long, magical conversations with...

Perhaps it would be good to apply this same knowing to oneself...this too will pass...and 'the best is yet to come'....said from the wise parent of our future selves...we have only just begun!

Let us keep the fascination with life that a youngster has seeing his first Mylar balloon and hearing her first jar of rice shaking...the world is full of new, beautiful, wonderful discoveries...just waiting for our openness to receive.

 I am learning this every day....and I trust deciding to laugh more...even at my follies...especially at my follies...and just "shake it off" as my nephew so wisely taught me.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Standing Sure in the Sandals I'm Wearing

As I pondered the common purpose baby daddy and I came up with last night to hold our thoughts on together this morning, while jumping into the shower moments after the little one closed his eyes and shower-time was upon me...I found my thoughts wandering to India.

I spent a lot of time in India before the kiddos came along...traveled there three different times, attended an intense immersion yoga course and just lived a raw-existence that sometimes feels like another life and more of a fairy tale than it does the precursor to my now.

 I was remembering the fact that just before baby daddy and I hooked up that I had finally let go of my long time commitment to love a man I met in India nearly a decade before and left there, hours after he proposed to me because I was too scared that we'd never make it...both of us being so 'free-spirited' and 'fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants'...I regretted the moment I left for at least 10 years, attempted more than once to set it right again with planned trips to his country that always seemed to fail...but that was beyond the scope of this mornings musings...

My thoughts went less to him and more to the me I became upon leaving that sunny beach where I last saw him, and how my hair was partially dreaded from months swimming in the sea and laying in the sand and how I traveled North from the beaches to the desert dressed in make-shift Indian "women's wear" despite the fact that I had knatty hair and wore Birkenstocks.

I remembered how I had bought a train ticket to Pushkar, but had gotten off at the wrong stop...I was traveling alone and jumped back on the next train knowing my ticket was likely no good for this train, and so I just found any available place to sit in 3rd class unreserved.  If you've traveled Indian trains, you know this is the most common way to travel for the simplest Indian is crowded, the seats are wooden and everyone stares at the western traveler because they must be amused you chose to ride this way instead of in first class, where you likely can afford the better seating.

Having no "real" ticket, I chose to change train cars every stop, so I wouldn't meet with any trouble from the conductor...I wasn't really thinking, as I am sure he could have assisted me in getting the right ticket, but I was new to this "traveling alone in India" thing, as I had arrived with friends...and now I just wanted to get to my destination without trouble...

The part of the trip that stood out most in my shower 'walk through memory lane' this morning comes now...stepping into the train car with, what I realized "too late" to be an all male car...all Indian male car...and I was the newest spectacle...

As the realization hit me just as thoughts of western girls being abducted in these parts from likely a situation just like the one I was in...I made my best effort to not act the part of the selwar kameez I was wearing...
but rather that of the dreadlocks I was growing...after all, these men were used to having the upper hand in their country...and yet those considered "baba's"...usually adorned as I was from the neck up, were not to be messed with.

I wasn't Stasia in that moment, I was JAI MA!!...

...a bad-ass incarnation of the holy mother, and these fools better not mess with me... It was in this moment that I noticed another of "my kind"...on an upper bunk near by.  I could have sworn he wasn't there before, maybe he was just meditating quietly before, but he was wearing all red and had huge dreads, so it startled me a bit that I was only now aware of him...

His eyes opened, gazed intently at the men who had been staring at me inappropriately and making likely crude comments to one another (based on the looks on the faces of the more business-like men nearby)...he said something to them strongly in their language and they quickly looked away.  I knew he had spoken for me.

For the rest of the journey, they gazed back only a few times, but they seemed now to have fear in their eyes...with a bit of hopeful mockery.

I made it safely off that train that day...and to my destination in the deserts of India...while learning a valuable lesson.  You see, I was trying to "fit in" with my Indian garb...dressing how the Indian women did, but my hair was not in alignment...I should have dressed like myself.  I could have more easily aligned with the truth of who I was in moments of discomfort had I dressed the way of my heart and mind...all parts of me needed to be married in a common purpose.

And so I return to the shower this morning...the common purpose...

(oh yeah, and the poopy diaper that proceeded the shower reminding me that if I ever want to travel to India again, this time with the kids, it will have to be after they are out of diapers...there is no way I am going to add to the obscene amount of visible trash in that or any other 3rd world country with my baby's poopy diapers...gross.)...oh, yeah, where was I?....

So as I washed off the stank and proceeded to listen to today's Yoga Nidra practice, complete with my common purpose with my baby daddy dubbed in as the 'Resolve'...making the whole thing just a matter of time until it comes to be...(as a Resolve made during Yoga Nidra is bound to come true)...I smiled as I realized how far I'd come...and how committed I am now to the life I choose.  No returns.

Years ago I would have abandoned this crazy relationship with all its uncertainties and misfires, the seeming non-commitment and fears arising in both of us and the way it just hasn't been all peaches and cream.  But today, I am knowing the truth of something worth having...and that is the unconditional love it takes, the alignment with the inner core of truth within myself and the willingness I have to transform myself and find the beauty that I know exists in what I see before me.

You see - I have realized that it's always just ME - standing there before me.  And if I don't like the picture, I need only change the insides.

Thank you India, thank you confidence..thank you Alanis Moresette.

Finishing up my superfood smoothie I am reminded that I need to head off to the health food store after baby wakes for a restock.  Just in case you were wondering how I start my day in order to get the wheels turning and support this super-spiritual mama lifestyle (wink wink nudge nudge) is my smoothie for today:

1 cup almond milk - cause I love it, great taste, good protein
splash of rice milk - to thin it a little
1 ripe banana - good texture, potassium, sweetness
handful frozen mango - love them - makes it cold
1 Tbsp Maca powder - YUM - malty flavor, balances hormones like crazy
1 T. Cacao nibs - great magnesium, enzymes, crunch and hello RAW CHOCOLATE is healthy
1 T. Goji berries - chewy texture, great vitamins, minerals, sustainable protien
squirt of Flax oil - Omega fatty acids
1 tsp Mesquite powder - blood sugar balance
1 tsp Spirulina powder - Omegas, protein, enzymes, Goddess, greens are good for you - you know?!
dash of cinnamon - tastes great
1 tsp chia seeds - more Omegas...interesting texture like tapioca...
Would add Cacao pwd...but I'm out, gotta shop


Deep breaths as I finish my drink and smile to realize it's still before 11 and I have already said my morning youthfulness affirmations, meditated, showered, stretched, had a smoothie, gone over the edit for chapter 1 of my up-coming book, got my 7 year old off to school with a packed lunch, changed a pooper, written this blog, read all about Indra's Net on-line, as recommended by the amazing Merlin of my reality editing and publishing my book...(you should check it out)....

I think this blog is long enough for today...

The message of the day - align yourself with who you ARE and you will escape the conflict of life trying to tear you down...BE YOURSELF Fully, completely, with NO Shame...and you will be rewarded.
This is what I did yesterday, the action that proceeded the invitation to come together on a common purpose to think on together with the man I love very much...and the father of my little bright star.
Life can be a kicker...if you let it.

Here's to Bliss in the House this day and every day.

For all you crazy Spiritual beings, Parents and Parental Spiritual beings..and just the be-ers...and everyone else. . . Namaste and Bliss In.


Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Home from school...or is it Home-school??

It's just another day in mommy paradise...that place where spirituality, or the striving to live more "spiritual" meets - or rather collides with can the two co-exist, I sometimes wonder?  The truth spiritual practice has become parenting, and it is far more challenging to stay 'on it' as a mommy, than it ever was as a 'single woman' without kiddos.

Today, I met the obstacle of the older child requesting to stay home from school, yet again, due to something as small as a canker sore in the back of his, I know how bad those can hurt and how uncomfortable one can be...but last week it was the sore throat and the week before, the sniffles, so what's a mom to do? ... how many times do we succumb to the need to keep our kids home due to bodily complaints, and how many times do we tell them to just suck it up?  Especially when we aren't totally fond of the public school system anyway, that place which finds a way to sneak your child Oreo cookies in the middle of the day as part of an 'art-project' even though you have requested your child not be fed sugar at school?  That place that will line the children up after recess and before lunch and rather than have them wash their hands, squirt each little palm with toxic hand-sanitizer, proven only to 'kill' a selected few germs while making sure to wipe out skillfully your little ones friendly flora, which protects them from getting sick.

Oh yes, I have attempted home-schooling my child, though being his first year 'in school' - last year - it was a far cry from 'school' and ended up more of a struggle for the both of us to accomplish anything...while he was meanwhile in desperate need of some school-aged friends, other adults to mentor him and I was in need of some serious 'alone time' after 5 years together in tight quarters...much of that time as a single mom.

Today, I have a 6 month old, working on getting his first tooth and feeling oh so grumpy about not being able to get himself about yet...honestly, the stay-at-home 7 year old with the canker was nothing...he kept himself busy with his new LEGO sets and was more creative and willing to do homework than most days...I was not disappointed I kept him home.  Instead, I find myself setting down the 6 month old to cry on the blanket while I take a few deep breaths and look for the me that I am sure is in there...

Celestially speaking, this day is a full moon...they say it is a potent one, asking us to attend to deep wounds we have not fully addressed...I guess my mothering as a path for spirituality is one of them...I suppose my relationship which is bending over a thousand miles and text messages while both of us figure out how to do this thing and what to agree on as our 'common purpose' beyond the little something to visit in my heart today.

And while I simmer brown rice for the Thai sauce that will be tonight's dinner, post a complementary Yoga Nidra practice (which I recorded after my shower during the morning nap-time) for interested parties to utilize today under the energy of the full moon, at the same time introducing new-comers to one of my favorite techniques for evolution...hoping to spur interest in my pending course come June, I am helping with homework, texting my 7 year-olds dad for Skype time, previewing the edit for the Prelude of an up-coming book of mine pending publishing, and meditating on the common purpose that baby daddy and I can agree on for forward movement in the 'family department'...I think it's a full day.

While this Blog has been called "Bliss in the House" and has not got very much attention, neither by me or my readers..I am feeling like the addendum of "...A Journey of Spirituality and Parenting" might just tie the my most profound work to date.  For there is nothing more challenging than the balancing act of self-love, self-realization and effective parenting...though together they make an unbeatable pair.

Tonight, I will get the kiddos in bed and set my 7 year old up with his Yoga Nidra for this weeks spelling words ... after which I will record yet another for the up-coming course... somewhere in there I promise myself to meditate and settle in on the goal thing...oh yeah, and enjoy quality me time with a cup of tea before falling asleep in the dimly lit room that is for now, my baby's room as well.

In case you didn't get the link - here is the Yoga Nidra for today's full moon in's my gift to you to say thank you...I hope you enjoy:

Full Moon Meditation

or just the audio link is here: Yoga Nidra Audio

Thanks for Reading...and I hope you find Bliss in your house today...whether you are a Single person seeking Peace, a parent seeking support or just feeling out the words of today's flow as they show up on your Facebook page.  Anyway, I love you - whoever you are.

from this yogi mommy -
Stasia Bliss

Sunday, May 11, 2014

The Everlasting Mommy Inside....

On this day that many refer to as "Mother's Day" where people remember their moms, the woman who likely gave birth to them, or at the very least, raised them- buying them flowers, cards and chocolate, fixing them breakfast, lunch or dinner and doing all manner of "niceties" for them, for us...I choose to take a slightly different angle on the whole "holiday" and expand the meaning of this day.

Being said "mother" of two small boys, I have a personal opinion and experience of what I feel it means to be a mom.

 When I look in the thesaurus, to broaden the scope of things, I am proud to see that synonyms for the word "mother" include: Origin, Creator and Source.  It is to these titles that I ask us to stretch celebration to as we praise mothers this day, for it is in the physical representation of a woman who has given birth that we can see the massive and the unfathomable in miniature and realize that from which we came.

Mothers are the vessels by which our physical beings enter this plane of existence, but they are not the true origin, the true Source of our lives...they are but a portal.  If we look to the place to which these mothers reach during childbearing, in order to bring us here, it remains a mystery...and yet - - it causes the mind and heart to know, on some deeper level - that a place beyond this one exists...for we, as earthy mothers, are not pulling the children we birth out of thin air - and though we have systematically grown their tiny bodies within our own for months and months, we know that their individuality, their spirit, their essence, comes from beyond us...and when we birth - we are reaching past death, through it - to find the souls who would travel with us here in the form of children, and bring them in.

On this Mother's Day, I wish to acknowledge the true Source of our lives, the Origin of our births and the Infinite Creator which has caused us to be...

In many ways, and for each of us, this Source lies within us - in the deepest places and depths of Self.

The greater portion is tucked away within the smaller, the macro within the micro.  And it is through our human expression that we get to emulate the Divine in our mothers, or 'mothering influences' we get to act the part of the Great Universal Energy for one another...for I truly feel that the Source of us all is kind, loving, nurturing, caring, embracing, adoring, that it helps us to find ourselves and grow through the experiences we have, never judging, always holding our hand - when needed - and guiding us silently all the way.

Within each one of us lies the "inner mother" if you will, the Source of our lives.

In a way, we each gave birth to ourselves...

Yes, our earthly mothers assisted this process by being bodily vessels, emotional containers and spiritual way-showers...but are they not us in another form?  I feel they are... it is easier to see this in my own "children"...that they are extensions of me - that they are me, in another form...that I am them...that we are One...coming from the same Source - - the same Origin...that we all have Mother, the great Mother within.

I have long loved the book Kundalini by Robert Svaboda, his teacher, Vimalananda, always refers to the Divine as "Mother", for he has learned that when we relate to the Source of our lives as our mother, that we can begin to understand the way this great Creative force works in our lives...that we are never forgotten, that we are treated with kindness and loved with a fierceness that only a mother can represent on this plane.  It is in opening ourselves up to know the Divine as our "Mother" that we can gain the kind of relationship which is both humbling and empowering at the same time - - like the way you felt when your earthly mother was proud of you, allowing you to "be" who you truly are, supporting you in silence...reaching in to assist at just the right moment, always watching in love.

For those who have had less than an ideal relationship with an earthly mother, like many dear friends I know, I would encourage a remembrance of the Divine Mother, the Source of Life - Ma....or as we say in India.. "Jai Ma"...the Great Mother...Feel your life wrapped up in the arms of Mother, and know every person that life has set in your path has been a gift from the Mothering force of all.  The Mothering Source of YOU.

I have always loved India...from the moment I set my foot down on the land there.  They call India the "Motherland"..and I know why.  She has always taken care of me there.  Not always in a gentle way, but in the way a mother who truly loves you would...causing you to see your inner self, having you face your "demons" and asking you to step into authenticity.  When I have left that land, each time, I have bawled my eyes out - like I would leaving my mother...not knowing when I'll see her again, knowing it could be long...thanking her...forever changed.

Today I celebrate the Source of my Life.  The true Source of my children's lives and ask each one of you reading to celebrate with me.  This is not a Hallmark holiday, well maybe it is, but I am changing it today...though I appreciate the sentiments and flowers, cards and kindness - of fathers wishing to shower praise on the women in their lives who have born children and raised them....I feel something deeper...I want to feel something deeper.

I know it's deeper than a greeting card.  I know it's deeper than dinner cooked for me, for you.

Let us acknowledge the Source, the Origin, the Creator of all of our lives...yes - and we can celebrate the earthly manifestation of this - - in the embodiment of our mothers...but let us not forget the Mother of All...The Great and Divine Mother. -- in all of her embodiments, archetypes and earthly visions....

Mary the Mother
Mary Magdalene
Kuan Yin
and many more...

Divine Mother, the Source of my Life, the Creative Power of all that is...I honor you me, in all.  I thank you for the breath I breathe and the movement I experience, the emotions, the wonder, the beauty....Thank you.

I know as I embody more fully the qualities of the Divine Mother, the Shakti - - and as we all do - male and female alike -- - we will experience a creative power in our lives which is supported by the great masculine consciousness...the Father of all...the Divine Male aspect...and in this wholeness will we experience Oneness - within and with all.

It is in knowing Oneness, a space beyond male and female labels, where we will drop the boundaries of separation and see one another as the manifestation of All....the One Life, One Source behind each others eyes...knowing we each have a role, a gift to express and perform which is perfect --- right here and now....which is perfection blossoming into perfect....and when we take the perfect from the perfect, we still have perfect, and when we add perfect to the perfect, we still have perfect.

It all comes down to acceptance....and in that we know Love.  We know Truth.  We know who we really are is what we are NOW.

Happy Mother's Day.

It feels a little different now, doesn't it?

I love you - - Divine reflection of me.


Saturday, May 3, 2014

The Gifts we Sometimes Trip on...

You've heard it said that you have everything you need inside you, right?

Sometimes we don't realize the truth of this sentiment til later in life.

Often times we take for granted things we have learned and gifts we have been given and how much they are really the tools we need to create the life we desire.  They are even the answers to the questions we continually have, but thought it was too simple for them to be right in front of our noses, and yet there they are.

When I really take a moment to step back out of the vision of the 'littler me' in my reality and step into the grander perspective on this whole thing, I can't help but chuckle at how stupidly-amazing and comically simple it all is.  How in order to 'get' something you have to let it go, and in order to see something you have to look the way opposite of your current vision.  The answers are paradoxical and the ride is meant to be driven from the back-seat 'relaxed' position, while all the while remaining vigilant to the scenery and responsively caring to the other passengers.  Every rose has its thorn and if they didn't, animals would eat them and we wouldn't get to appreciate their beauty.

A little 10 year old girl from my sons school was hit by a bus day before yesterday and died in intensive care the next day.  You never know how long you are gonna get, how long they are.  Each of these people in our realities are dynamic characters in the scene of our lives and we get to play with them until their part is up, or ours is.  Or until we change scenes, permanently.

For some reason or another, the news that a youngster has transitioned from this plane without experiencing certain things here gives me two responses...(well, more than that - but here I don't want to make this writing about that - so I'll name two).  One - I consider how this person must have been an old, wise soul and didn't need to spend very much time here...that they got all they needed and then they went on to the next, better place.  Two- I look at my own youngsters and consider how I might improve on being there for them.

Like my first boy, he turns seven tomorrow and is such a brilliant, beautiful child.  But I watch him struggle with certain things, like his spelling tests during the week.  It seems trivial enough, but I can see how it torments him to think he won't get the words right...and watch him practice and practice and still get them wrong and then come home saddened that he can't show me a 100% score.

I tell him it's okay, that even I misspell words still, but he wants to succeed, like we all do.

He wants to 'get it right', like we all do.

It just starts small and gets bigger as we do.

 I still have the same sentiment, I want to get it right.  I feel like I practice the same life 'tests' - though I prefer to call them 'opportunities' (thanks to someone I adore) and still I find myself feeling like I missed something - again!  I know that isn't true...I know each time I take something else brilliant away from the whole experience, but that is usually in hindsight (that bi#!?%)...
And when I'm really on my game, the hindsight is nearer to the happening than later...and so I integrate sooner, and things shift.

This is really all going somewhere...

Years ago, (around 8 now), I went to India for the third time in order to immerse myself in the yogic lifestyle so I could 'escape' the life I had carved out for myself and make it better, so I could 'heal' from all the oozing wounds I had gashed open and become who I was meant to be...and on a slightly less dramatic, but maybe more vain note, I went there because I loved my Bikram, Vinyasa and Power yoga classes and wanted to be in better shape than ever.

What a joke that was to the head yoga school Swami who, when asking all the new students of our experience with yoga - and I listed mine - he made an exhausted sighing sound and told me he hoped my time there would be like a relaxing retreat.  What?! I didn't go there to relax!! ...or did I?

What I would learn at the Bikram School of Yoga would change my life forever, ...and would change my life last night again, and today.  I spent 4 months immersed in the yogic lifestyle full of chanting, service, meditation, posture practice, cleansing rituals, silence and philosophy.  One of the most powerful practices I walked away with is still teaching me of its greatness fact, I don't think I was ready then for the magnitude of what this practice could offer...but I am becoming so.

Some of you have taken it with me over the years and can attest to its greatness...others of you have heard of it, but never experienced it, and still others of you have no clue what this practice is.  I feel like I fit into all of these categories somehow.
Yes, I have done it, experienced it, been transformed by it, taught it, shared it and plan to share it more...but now...maybe even as of last night...I am only starting to become aware of the power this practice can initiate in life. . . I am only starting to realize the gift and blessing it is - and here I have been holding it for years.

That's okay.
Life is new every day.

Some of you know I have been putting together an on-line course, well several actually.  One is getting polished up, but is basically finished - called "Conscious Evolution" and it is full of amazing tools to assist someone in the process of awakening and constant transformation as we navigate this wonderful world of change.

 I had so much fun making it as I traveled the west coast with my family.  It has some gems in it.. including my first meditation recordings.

 And then there is the other is a miracle all on its own and in its own category is targeted to be finished this coming June - and already it is changing me in every way, just creating it.

I am gonna tie this all together.

This second course cannot just be audio recordings of practices, though that alone would be worth it... The site I am creating the courses on is called - and they require that your courses be at least 60% video content, because that is what the 'market' supposedly wants.  So, in order to balance the 12 audio recordings I am putting in the course - timing anywhere from 20minutes to an hour each - I am including a bunch of video content of instruction, scientific findings, stories and other amazing facts about this incredible practice.

I love the camera.  My mother used to tell me I should be in drama, be in the movies...etc.
 Maybe she was right, maybe I still will one day.

But I love to talk to the people - to you - to an audience, and I know recording a video gives me the opportunity to share with as many people as possible (potentially) all the gems I have stumbled upon and experimented with that have made my life so incredibly beautiful and epic.

Don't get me wrong, I can talk, and I can provide content, but I wanted these videos to be invaluable, so I have been studying up on the scientific findings on this practice, etc. and I have blown myself away with how much this practice can do...and here I am feeling like a new student all over again.

After hearing about the girl at my sons school and the bus and thinking about his spelling tests and the stress he feels under, I was reading about this practice for children and how it can impact their learning.

Now I have known about this practice's greatness for children since before my kids were born.  I listened to recordings throughout my first pregnancy and played those CDs to my first son night after night while he was a baby until he asked me for something different.  This past year he has been back to wanting it, asking for it almost nightly (occasionally interspersed with some relaxing alpha tunes or some good friends music).

This stuff can help you sleep even if you don't follow it works.  For a child, it can help them drift into restful sleep and assist them in throwing off 'junk' we throw on them in the day - without stuffing it into their subconscious for later damage - I knew that.  I knew it could help them stay in touch with their 'genius' self and be a brighter child...but I hadn't thought about how it can assist with learning until last night.

Here I was reading the studies realizing that my sons problems with studying could be vaporized if I would just take Mondays spelling words and record them into a short practice for him to listen to the four nights before his test.  During the day, we would go over the words, but his subconscious would be doing the work - and according to studies - this should work like a charm, and even SHOULD be the way we teach anything to kids - - effortlessly.  Wow.!

 I feel inspired.

 I feel even more connected to this practice than ever before!!!

Talk about looking at your own person tool box and realizing you have a super amazing gem in there...this is mine.

Not only that - but someone I love very much has been inquiring the whole time I have known them about dreams...what happens in them, how they could be more conscious in them, how life could be more ...and this just happens to answer all of these questions

I guess you have to check out my course to find out...I will get as much of that juicy wisdom into it as I can.

What am I even talking about?!

Hee Hee...I have never talked about something for so long without naming it, it was pretty fun...

Watch this promo video I made(below)...I bet it will get you excited too - and it will tell you what I amazing technique I am referring to...and how it can change your reality....if you don't absorb it all the first time, watch it again!

I could go on and on about the insights coming up lately...but I'll save them for another blog.

I'm gonna end with reminding you to look at the tools in your own bag of tricks...maybe one has been in there a long time without much use...maybe we could all benefit from you pulling it out and sharing it - - for sure you could.  I'd love to inspire each of us to make better use of our talents and our knowledge  -- we don't have them for nothing!

It's time.

And now for my promo... (I'm so excited!!)

Thursday, May 1, 2014

7's are Pulling Some Weight

Well, it seems another cycle has, or is beginning again.  With this passing set of eclipses and Grand Cross in the sky, along with the dawning of my first child's 7th birthday on the horizon, I have been drawn into the realization that 7's are pulling some weight in my reality.

It was 14 years ago that I first set off on an adventure of a lifetime, leaving the United States for a virgin voyage like no other.  I spent a year traveling Asia and SE Asia and had my mind blown open, my reality re-written and my worldview completely shifted.  It was one of the most transformational years of my life up to that point.
 This adventure would catapult me off into years of personal inner-work along with several more trips back to Asia and finally, to immerse myself in yoga study where I shed so many unwanted layers and learned tools that would enliven my life and alter forever the way I saw the world and myself.
I woke up.
Seven years after the first 'departure from the norm' I left another country - the land of single-woman-without -children.  I had my first child.  Having him was akin to entering a foreign land and he became my new guru, showing me ways to see life and enlightenment I had never considered.  My yoga practice changed, my world forever shape-shifted into one of less selfishness and more surrender.  It was bigger than the trips around the world and deeper too.

Here I sit today, poised at the turning of another 7-year cycle.  I have just had my second son, another amazing soul journey birthing... and find myself in new territory again.

 This time, I have left the homeland I have spent the last 10+ years of my life in; the place I have called home for over a decade and where I have seen the seeds of friendship and community blossom and flourish. That place is now a thousand miles away and I find myself sitting seemingly "back where I started" - but with new "baggage."  The baggage, is of course not baggage at all, but two sweet and amazing young boys.  And the familiar place is my parents home, yet it is not the same home I grew up in.

I sit here with one goal in mind.

I am here to change my life, to CLAIM my life and to SUCCEED like never before.

I have just turned, what the world calls "40".  Usually I don't tell people that, not because I feel old or am embarrassed, quite the contrary.  In fact, I feel like I just started this thing.  I feel like everything before this year was preparatory to what is coming.  I feel like my life has just begun and I am figuring how it's gonna go, but I have prep-school under my belt, so I feel prepared, and not just "thrown into it" like I have felt all these previous years.

Normally when people ask my age, I say I am "ageless, timeless and immortal".  Normally.  Up until this past year and a half I really believed that and felt it to be unarguably true.  I have been challenged recently to really embrace that.  How?

I fell in love with someone who believes in time.

Yes I did.

He not only believes in time, but he is also living the age  that I know to be the "immortal age" and I have been challenged in his presence to be it - even when the struggles of this world would try to put wrinkles on my face and call me 'aging.'   Now, I can't say that I haven't added some character to my skin this past - what we call a year, it has been a doosy.  But I do feel more committed to my youth, to my flexibility in thinking and to commitment itself, than I ever have.

This past year I drove over 6000  miles, grew a baby and birthed him through the navel, wrote over 400 articles counting over 500 words a piece for an on-line magazine, published one book (making it my third) and two CD's, with another book on the way, worked a part-time job, sold nearly everything I have- twice and had my almost 7 year old in 4 schools.  Let's not forget the push and pull relationship I have been navigating that has literally had us moving at least 10 times and now, as I am completing 2 on-line courses, ready by summer, I am discovering that I finally, FINALLY have a 5 year plan.  That's right.  I have a 5 year plan.

For some of you that may not seem like a big thing.  But for me it is.  I am miss spontaneous, miss go-with-the-flow, miss "something will unfold" and all that jazz.  And it has.  Sort of, in a funny, not so always comfortable sort of way.  But now I have 2 kiddos, not just one.  And now I have finally experienced myself committing to a relationship like I have never done before....and even if that doesn't work out how I would like it to -- or if it does - - I am doing it, I have done it and it has taught me a great deal about myself and life.
Like-- It is good to commit yourself to something.

It is transformational to do so.

When I did it with my children, it was a no-brainer...I mean, I didn't feel like I had a choice, it was just what was in the cards and I would adapt to it..and I have, I am. I sit on the brink of, and just over the hill from not knowing what to do to make sure my family is all together and thriving and loving each other...I am instead sitting in a 'home-base' where I am telling myself I am ready to create that much desired 'home-base' for myself - and do it my way.

I am doing it my way 

I am doing it my way!!!- and if my beloved partner, whether it is the him that I know right now or another him who chooses to step into the picture...or simply the 'him' who is my masculine inner counterpart - whom I love and adore immensely, but who perhaps hasn't been getting enough air-time lately...I am doing it my way and they are welcome to join me -- -he is.

The great thing is - I know who I am.
I know what I am capable of and I have seen me in action.
I know I don't give up.
I know I sometimes create "more difficult" scenarios for myself than most people do...but for it, I have great stories.
 I know I love to write.  I know I love having things to write about.  I know I love great stories.
I know I think big and love to inspire that 'big thinkingness' in others.

I know I love my children.  I know they are great men in tiny bodies right now.
I know they came through other great men, who, even if they aren't 'with' me, as in - next to me drinking tea and picking up laundry - they are 'with' me anyway...cause I see them every time I look at my boys...and I am grateful for them.

So here I am - at another 7.  The spiritual interpreters call it the "spiritual seal", the "lucky prime" the final resting day after the long week of work. I call it the opening.
 So, looking back I know I can look ahead to more greatness, more expansion, more amaze.  This time, I am going to claim it in ways of prosperous living.  Living with wealth in my spirit and my pocketbook.

 I am 40 and by goddess, it is integration time! If I have learned anything over the years, it's time to make a go at putting all the pieces together.

I invite you to follow me on this journey.  There are so many parts.  I would love to have witnesses at how they 'oh so gracefully' come together. Because someone recently told me I couldn't have it all.

I am out to prove them wrong!

Love and Blissings are NOW


Relationships are completely different to me now than what I grew up believing them to be...what any of us grew up thinking about them.  Movies, fairy tales and examples of others implanted False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR) about them...and this fear has pretty much ruled that scene for me - I am realizing...until now.
It wasn't until very recently - a year or more ago - that I began to realize, to WAKE-UP to the fact that all relationship was SELF-Relationship...that every person who I seemed to have a continuing 'romance' with, whether platonically based, or other-wise...was in fact ME being reflected back to me...from the outside...or what appears to be the outside of my own form.
See, before I used to 'get involved' with someone, friendship or more intimately, and when things started to come up that were seemingly less than harmonious, I would 'bale ship' ...recognizing that something was not right, and that somehow this relationship must be 'bad' for me...including the circumstances surrounding the relationship...and I need to 'get out' and find something/someONE 'better'.  Wow - what a mind trick that was.
Now the frustration really began to inflate...for all the while I kept 'attracting' to myself someone new who seemed to push similar buttons as another previously had (perhaps from a different angle, at a different speed, or now harder)...what was going on?!  It took a great amount of maturation and spiritual enlightenment to realize that everyone with whom was drawn into my life was ME ...and I was being afforded - with each relationship - a deeper look, an opportunity to heal, a chance to 'advance' if you will...and every time I bailed ship - well, it was - - in a very BIG way - - back to square ONE.
Now YES, it is true that you can 'advance' on your can make great leaps in awareness, or deepen your inner peace effectively...sure - - and fairly easily actually.  Maybe that is why many prefer to be alone.  However, (and I am sorry to those who are sworn to singularity - not really) cannot goto the depths, I am truly convinced - of your own beingness...and remove deep childhood and other life-time clutter, surmount obstacles of your mind (to the same extent) without the perceived 'other'.  You know, the one who is right there in your face - reflecting back to you what is on the surface.?!  It is true.  So, now...when I am confronted with the 'same' issues in "relationship" as I have been in the past - - I am aware that it is ME rising to the surface....and this time I am NOT running away, but right INTO the fire...INTO the flames of self-discovery...through the perceived disagreement to find the self that is really wishing to surface and be seen...the me that is the ONE LIFE moving through, my God-self...the source of who I really AM...this can BE...but not without some un-covering.
The crazy thing is...this is happening to the ONE, but in both directions simultaneously.  It cannot be only happening to one side...and yet that is all there is...if it is coming up - it is within - -me, you, the One Life - to be cleared, cleansed, healed and transmuted...IF and only IF (yes there's that word) IF you allow it to be...because if you run will only find you again in another face...yes, you can keep running...and decide the solitary life is for you...and run home and repeat your youth...but ultimately you will need to face yourself - the ONENESS that is staring back to you from the 'other' REALNESS that you are...face it - see the beauty, see the love, the grace, the perfection, the kindness, the wonder, the awe...and want WANT to be there - with yourself - with the most CLEAR and clarified version of yourself you have ever seen...the one that speaks the name of GOD from the outside as well as the in...this is the way you know that you are home.  And I am convinced that if we can persist anywhere...anywhere...anywhere...(the best place being the one that you are)...then we will succeed...the discomfort and unsurity and feelings of 'disconnection' will NOT go on forever...for they are only there now to serve the serve the elevation that is happening now that you have said YES to the greater you...the divine shining through.  And because you have said yes, all that was deep down and harbored about yourself, including beliefs your families gave you, society delt you, anything along the way - from ALL of your incarnations....ALL that is not serving the greatest expression of you - - must now be cleansed...and this is perceived 'through the relationship' that is before a lens.
So here I sit...within the arms of self-relationship, close-up, deep inside the place where my 'stuff' can surface and does, and IS.  And here I experience the perspective now that seems to be opposite to the one I had always before embodied...where before I, within the framework of perceived relationship, would be the voice that spoke to the leaving...that would enliven the possibility of how it might be more beneficial to be outside of this 'place'...and would mention this often, unknowingly creating an unstable environment for the that was not completely able to clear the muck - - for I did not see the 'relationship' for what it could be.  NOW I find myself in the 'other shoes' so to speak, for maybe the first time ever...this time I fully acknowledge the power and potential of this opportunity...and yet I am also realizing that I cannot make that awareness understood and embraced by both aspects of me. . . I can only hold the perspective I hold...
Even while I am writing this I am realizing that for me to even be experiencing 'the other' in a space of un-recognition of the power and potential of this thing we are in...there must be a very real and large part of myself unwilling to completely see it as well.  That he is in fact representing that very part of myself...and yet much of the reflection feels like the past - - the way I used to 'act and believe'.
Looking at this more closely I can see that I do not have the full resolve within because this is such a new state of consciousness for me to feel full commitment and surrender to my evolution even to the point of looking through every square inch of the much that comes up so as to clear it...that I know that I have a small voice within, that is maybe larger than I think...that does not believe that I can do it...that does not believe that I could truly 'advance' beyond where I have...because I have never before been willing to look at my own 'stuff' to such a degree...and had come to terms with myself as a singular entity...knowing that I am awesome, great, beautiful, that I can do it on my own, that I am 'spiritual' and open in so many ways...all of these thoughts have been as armor to 'protect' myself from the possibility of 'failing' to get through this relationship process of deep inner work and alignment.  these thoughts of self-confidence and self-love are actually, in this context self-defeating, for they are a 'back up plan' to this 'self-relationship' manifested as and through 'the other'....just in case it 'doesn't work out' and I am back 'on my own'.  Sh*#!  I had never thought of my own self-love and spiritual solidity, as I have felt, being self-defeating...for what is being asked of me daily through 'this other' to surrender more deeply, to look at more, to tear down the old even further, to let-go of how I thought it was experience MORE LOVE< MORE LIGHT, myself in a MORE expanded seems paradoxical, contradictory even...and yet I can feel the resonance.  If I can but release that part of me that is the back up plan, and embrace fully this expanded version of myself embodied in two forms as being all there is...even to my own destruction...then something will shift again. . . something IS shifting as I say this....

Can I have a 'Re-do'???

Life...what is up?!  I feel like I seriously went off the track here and I'm not sure how to get 'back on'...
Deep down I know that everything that has occurred is somehow for my greater good, and the 'greater good' of all...and yet - - I am staring out into the stark snow-covered scenery and wondering what good IS occurring now??
My kiddo is missing his dad...and so, right now in the other room they Skype on-line, as they do now every Sunday.  This is a nice perk to technology - but is definitely not a replacement for his father.  Why did I let it get like this?  I really felt I was being called to move - to follow my heart and find a deeper connection to Source from a vantage point that had long been removed and still never experienced before quite in this way.  I even had the idea that perhaps it would be more beneficial for my son to have the influence of a 'more spiritual man' than his dad...and yet it seems that no other person is more likely to love your child as much as their other parent does. . . and I never quite got the weight of this until now.  I never saw my child through another's eyes...someone who would honestly rather 'not' parent full-time (like me, to be completely truthful)...I too have an element of difficulty in raising my son full-time. It isn't quite the same as having  the other parent handy when you want time off.  Your 'new best friend' doesn't always want to be the back-up sitter...and neither does grandma...really.
So, what to do??
On another note - I got a job yesterday...yes, a 'job' - working for someone else...I haven't done this in many many least 6 years at last count, and even that one was mellow...before that it was another 8 really  - - this is something.  I am not too happy about it either.  I mean, it's an experience to meet new people, bring in some cash and have some time 'to myself '- sort of.  But I'll tell ya, when they handed me that next week heart dropped...a noticeable pit sort of feeling crept into my stomach and I felt like I had lowered dimensions to a place I did not want to be in.
Why am I in Salt Lake City???  I know that had I known this possibility prior to leaving Portland and selling all of my stuff, I wouldn't have left.  I just wouldn't have knowingly come 'home' to where my family is.  It isn't that I don't love them - I do.  It isn't that.  It is just not 'me' here.
So what now?
It seems that I am stuck in between those 'rather uncomfortable' decision places.  And having the consciousness I do (gratefully) - I am aware that being uncomfortable can be exactly what is in order...that something 'of a higher order' is setting itself in motion, and for a bit of 'time' it can feel a bit a frequency irritation. This is true.
The fact is that I am safe, cared for, fed, clothed, sheltered, have basic needs met and my child too is provided these things. . . and yet --ugh!
There is still yet another friend. The friend who is my now 'best friend', who I would prefer to also refer to as my partner, lover, 'boy-friend', 'husband' even more than ever moving in the direction of friend....or maybe not - or maybe this is good, and appropriate and right, even on the 'trail' of deepening so-called relationship that it go this way...and yet, it seems distance is being felt and more and more I am unsure that he would even choose to be with me, here now again, had he another option...and yet, seriously, he feels as though he has no other option.  He has me.  And I love him deeply, infinitely, purely, wholly...and I feel as though I am meant to be with him and to 'take care of him' as a servant of God first. . . even before the 'someone that I love'. . . and so I find myself in a bit of a predicament...for were it not that I felt this way, I could easily ask him to find himself another way...and save myself the pain of continuing to wonder where this is going and 'move on' so to speak.  BUT I love him, I feel like he IS I am we are ONE and the same, that his 'problems' are mine....that our predicament is OURS...and though at times I feel rejected and isolated and hurt by the way that he 'doesn't' love me...I know at the same time that these things I perceive and 'allow' myself to feel - are simply the things he feels or does not feel for himself, in this grand scale of awakening.  For I really DO know that he loves me....even if in a way unique to us alone.
 I also KNOW that he and I as a unit are processing COSMIC-size issues...those things that all of humanity must clear before they receive the 'greater portion' and we have, by our very awareness, volunteered to take this on.  This adds to the strain of our already 'strange' interaction...loving and completely unified and harmonious, heavenly and beyond all that I could ever dream to imagine in one moment...or stretch of time...and all this layered back to back with the most undesirable  unpleasant, nightmarish feeling of isolation and unwanted experiences...the ups and the downs...constantly.
Where on the one hand, I am in the place of my wildest dreams...on the other I am truly without anchor in the forest of pain.  How strange. ??!
I think of the city of origin and I wonder if all of this, whether the greatest growth of my life or not, is really worth leaving the kind of community and blessings I did.??  Even if I make it to another dimension of reality...if I am alone, what is the good in it??
And if not alone, but with a being who seems to care little of your presence in it...except on 'good' days...then this too is not the prize it was appearing to possibly be.
So, without regret, knowing all things work together for our good, I ask myself and the Great Spirit of Life - - what is it that I am learning here?  what is it that is being raised up for my eyes to behold?  What is being gained here? Though I know there is really no need for learning, as all is accessible NOW - in the moment of need, I know that nothing could be 'raised up' for nothing is 'low' and without loss, there is also no what is the cosmic deal here???  All I can ask is to be shown what I am acting out on behalf of the One Life?? What has been and IS my role here now?
May I see so that I may fulfill the mission and find the point to go from here - whether within only, or in my environment as well.?!
And may I know if it is appropriate and even possible to do a 're-do' and return to the 'beginning' per say, where all of this began, and choose another way?  Can I choose to have flown to Utah for Christmas instead of drive, to return just before New Years and see what did transpire???...To risk the possibility that my beloved would not be there on the other side, and that he would've flown home as well, possibly never to have returned??  What would have driven us both then, without the car as the vehicle?
Would we have found each other again anyway? And where? And would I have stayed in the city of my origin?  And would my child be with his father now? And would I still be in the predicament of no where to live as I was there before??
As I look over this 're-do' I don't see that things would necessarily be 'better'.  I can see where things could have changed, where possibilities could have opened.  I can also see that I may not be in the sort of 'light' place I am. . .for truly, lightening my load by releasing my life-long belongings was a very beneficial move for me as a being.  It released much in the way of energy and 'past'...and released me from the bondage of its weight.
It is funny, how I find myself in a similar financial situation to when I returned to Portland, but now, without the means to 'create funds' in the same way I selling my 'life stuff'.  So, were I to return to my origin point, I would find myself in a very different situation...and needing, in a way, to recreate myself there as well.  For I am being faced with this very thing here....Re-creating.
As I look at the realms of possibility that each city I have visited and 'stayed' in offer...I can see more clearly the ways in which a community and environment can support a stage of consciousness.
I look at and listen to my beloved, who, - in most respects- is ready to go wandering into the world and allow God, the universe, Source power to support him he has done, and yet - - has the working knowledge that that experience is not always friendly or comforting or safe.  He battles with the inner desire to return to the feeling that 'wandering' offered him - of freedom and a certain closeness and fuller 'dependence' on his Creator...a feeling I relate to greatly from the time just prior to my sons arrival on this plane.  I had a moment of sorrow for the death of that part of me, as I knew it could not exist in the same way for me with this new being to look after. . . so I had to ask myself to 'do something different' ...and in this 'doing' - I found the community that I had always dreamed of...I found a place to be fully embraced and allow my gifts to shine forth...I found a place for my child and for my talents and spirit to grow.  And then I met myself again...that free, wandering part of me that I gave up so many years ago...this part of me returned and showed me that it was again possible to be that free...or so it seemed... though the truth of the matter is that he had only stumbled on that truth for himself, but for a family...for several of us together, including a child, this was unknown territory, possibly impossible for the moment of perceived awareness, though not impossible forever, just unknown to him, to me, to us.
Though we attempted, with trust, and a big leap of faith...counting on each other and the mutual desire to fly...we have been scraping our proverbial knees time and again and have not fully gotten off the ground. I am wondering if 'home' could really heal me, patch my wounds and allow me a new place to leap that allows my son access to the rest of him family and allows me access to my community.

What could go 'wrong' should I do this??? Return to the starting point???  Nothing really, though my beloved may not choose to business partner, who has decided now to do business alone because of our distance, who I can tell is excited about her next adventure, could feel a sort of funny feeling about my return, though I know she would adjust, for she is also one of my dearest girlfriends on the planet. ...
And of this spiritual journey...I am sure that it goes on and on whether I risk all materially or not...whether I risk all in the way of people in my life, or not....I am quite sure that my evolution will go on and on because I have decided it will...because that is my desire and my mission.
I can see now that hoping something to be what it isn't already manifesting to be is a dangerous trap of our imaginings...for not only are things not always what they seem, but often things are exactly as they seem, without hopes of them changing...and sometimes, the promptings you have to do something are often for completely different reasons than you assume...
So, with that being said, and detaching from the results, the desires of my heart and the past... I move forward into the promptings once again - - to see a new vision for me and my son...with or without the man who I have grown to know so well, to love so deeply and to admire completely...for I know that he is on his own journey...that may or may not include us.  I respect him and desire for him to have great fulfillment and happiness and to go wherever that can be richest and most full for him.

I sit in the realm which I have now created and speak to the Creator, which is myself, and the highest most prevalent energy in existence...the One Life, the ALL....I speak my intention to return to my point of origin when the timing is right, when it is appropriate and when I can move into that realm with command of my experience more, with that - I release this prayer into the great I AM ...knowing that it is already so...and knowing that all things work together for the good of matter if that is clear or not....I say that it is all good and very good....and I release my attachment to this prayer...and move forward with what is rendered unto me here - - to take it in as the nectar of God - - as medicine....that my being may be renewed and enlivened to such an extent that any transitions will be simple, obvious and easy to fulfill....
I am grateful for this time of learning, this time of release, this time of love and risk-taking, this time of the great unknown being full upon the face of my experiences... I am grateful for a man, who I see as one of the great prophets...who I would stand with for all of time and eternity, if only I could see it benefiting him and not inhibiting his mission.  I am grateful for the heart and passion that I see him embodying, for the whole of creation .... As the proxy for true acceptance of the Universal I AM within us once again, in full power and full manifestation and possibility.  I am grateful to see this embodiment in hear its prayers and know what my soul is capable of speaking aloud, and not only in my heart.
I am also grateful for the opportunity afforded me to know myself in a different way...though in some ways has felt belittling and 'less than' I have before known myself to be...I know also that I have received the gift of raising myself up within...where I thought I had already found love for myself...I realize that I had not, that I still hoped for the love of another to speak words I knew already for myself, but did not want to fully claim responsibility for their utterance.  I do know that I have learned that the way I am was the way I wanted to be...for perhaps more than ever - I am appreciative of my own life path and mission, of the love I have for myself and the love I know I am capable of freely giving without expectation...I have known myself in this relationship - to be giving in a way that has not felt resentment ...for I have felt it an opportunity to give back to myself in another.  In a very strange way it has been like giving to another child...while at the same time being given the greatest teacher, friend and man to love.
I know that he loves me.  I know that he has appreciated me and the time we have shared...though in many ways his vision is yet again, higher than that he sees not the need for relationship, he sees only himself relating to the God-Source essence of ALL.  And on another hand, I can see that I have evolved my vision of relationship even farther than he...where I know that all are me, are God and because of that - union with another is a great instrument in the way of re-membering ourselves and raising our consciousness up, experiencing the family unit as a more congenial expression of the ONE.  In either sense, both are 'evolved', just different views of possible paths.

So, whether we stay 'together' in the flesh, or not...I suppose ultimately it does not matter,,, only it matters if we are both able to live out our highest expression with joy and peace inside.
If this is together, as a unit and family, God bless us.  If this is apart - leading on in our own ways...always loving and appreciating our time together....God bless us.

I move forward now with lighter heart and perceive myself lighter yet I move out into the world of 'form' and choose to bring through the Light of the One...I ask for signs and messages that show me how these things are gracefully playing out for our own and my family, my community and my world.
Blessings be to all people on their path of awakening, relationship and love.

I continue to walk on - - embracing what is before me - - and expressing joy and gratitude for this life given me.  AUM.. I AM