Life...what is up?! I feel like I seriously went off the track here and I'm not sure how to get 'back on'...
Deep down I know that everything that has occurred is somehow for my greater good, and the 'greater good' of all...and yet - - I am staring out into the stark snow-covered scenery and wondering what good IS occurring now??
My kiddo is missing his dad...and so, right now in the other room they Skype on-line, as they do now every Sunday. This is a nice perk to technology - but is definitely not a replacement for his father. Why did I let it get like this? I really felt I was being called to move - to follow my heart and find a deeper connection to Source from a vantage point that had long been removed and still never experienced before quite in this way. I even had the idea that perhaps it would be more beneficial for my son to have the influence of a 'more spiritual man' than his dad...and yet it seems that no other person is more likely to love your child as much as their other parent does. . . and I never quite got the weight of this until now. I never saw my child through another's eyes...someone who would honestly rather 'not' parent full-time (like me, to be completely truthful)...I too have an element of difficulty in raising my son full-time. It isn't quite the same as having the other parent handy when you want time off. Your 'new best friend' doesn't always want to be the back-up sitter...and neither does grandma...really.
So, what to do??
On another note - I got a job yesterday...yes, a 'job' - working for someone else...I haven't done this in many many years...at least 6 years at last count, and even that one was mellow...before that it was another 8 years...so really - - this is something. I am not too happy about it either. I mean, it's an experience to meet new people, bring in some cash and have some time 'to myself '- sort of. But I'll tell ya, when they handed me that next week schedule...my heart dropped...a noticeable pit sort of feeling crept into my stomach and I felt like I had lowered dimensions to a place I did not want to be in.
Why am I in Salt Lake City??? I know that had I known this possibility prior to leaving Portland and selling all of my stuff, I wouldn't have left. I just wouldn't have knowingly come 'home' to where my family is. It isn't that I don't love them - I do. It isn't that. It is just not 'me' here.
So what now?
It seems that I am stuck in between those 'rather uncomfortable' decision places. And having the consciousness I do (gratefully) - I am aware that being uncomfortable can be exactly what is in order...that something 'of a higher order' is setting itself in motion, and for a bit of 'time' it can feel a bit wonky...like static...like a frequency irritation. This is true.
The fact is that I am safe, cared for, fed, clothed, sheltered, have basic needs met and my child too is provided these things. . . and yet --ugh!
There is still yet another angle...my friend. The friend who is my now 'best friend', who I would prefer to also refer to as my partner, lover, 'boy-friend', 'husband'...is even more than ever moving in the direction of friend....or maybe not - or maybe this is good, and appropriate and right, even on the 'trail' of deepening so-called relationship that it go this way...and yet, it seems distance is being felt and more and more I am unsure that he would even choose to be with me, here now again, had he another option...and yet, seriously, he feels as though he has no other option. He has me. And I love him deeply, infinitely, purely, wholly...and I feel as though I am meant to be with him and to 'take care of him' as a servant of God first. . . even before the 'someone that I love'. . . and so I find myself in a bit of a predicament...for were it not that I felt this way, I could easily ask him to find himself another way...and save myself the pain of continuing to wonder where this is going and 'move on' so to speak. BUT I love him, I feel like he IS me...like I am him...like we are ONE and the same, that his 'problems' are mine....that our predicament is OURS...and though at times I feel rejected and isolated and hurt by the way that he 'doesn't' love me...I know at the same time that these things I perceive and 'allow' myself to feel - are simply the things he feels or does not feel for himself, in this grand scale of awakening. For I really DO know that he loves me....even if in a way unique to us alone.
I also KNOW that he and I as a unit are processing COSMIC-size issues...those things that all of humanity must clear before they receive the 'greater portion' and we have, by our very awareness, volunteered to take this on. This adds to the strain of our already 'strange' interaction...loving and completely unified and harmonious, heavenly and beyond all that I could ever dream to imagine in one moment...or stretch of time...and all this layered back to back with the most undesirable unpleasant, nightmarish feeling of isolation and unwanted experiences...the ups and the downs...constantly.
Where on the one hand, I am in the place of my wildest dreams...on the other I am truly without anchor in the forest of pain. How strange. ??!
I think of the city of origin and I wonder if all of this, whether the greatest growth of my life or not, is really worth leaving the kind of community and blessings I did.?? Even if I make it to another dimension of reality...if I am alone, what is the good in it??
And if not alone, but with a being who seems to care little of your presence in it...except on 'good' days...then this too is not the prize it was appearing to possibly be.
So, without regret, knowing all things work together for our good, I ask myself and the Great Spirit of Life - - what is it that I am learning here? what is it that is being raised up for my eyes to behold? What is being gained here? Though I know there is really no need for learning, as all is accessible NOW - in the moment of need, I know that nothing could be 'raised up' for nothing is 'low' and without loss, there is also no gain...so what is the cosmic deal here??? All I can ask is to be shown what I am acting out on behalf of the One Life?? What has been and IS my role here now?
May I see so that I may fulfill the mission and find the point to go from here - whether within only, or in my environment as well.?!
And may I know if it is appropriate and even possible to do a 're-do' and return to the 'beginning' per say, where all of this began, and choose another way? Can I choose to have flown to Utah for Christmas instead of drive, to return just before New Years and see what did transpire???...To risk the possibility that my beloved would not be there on the other side, and that he would've flown home as well, possibly never to have returned?? What would have driven us both then, without the car as the vehicle?
Would we have found each other again anyway? And where? And would I have stayed in the city of my origin? And would my child be with his father now? And would I still be in the predicament of no where to live as I was there before??
As I look over this 're-do' I don't see that things would necessarily be 'better'. I can see where things could have changed, where possibilities could have opened. I can also see that I may not be in the sort of 'light' place I am. . .for truly, lightening my load by releasing my life-long belongings was a very beneficial move for me as a being. It released much in the way of energy and 'past'...and released me from the bondage of its weight.
It is funny, how I find myself in a similar financial situation to when I returned to Portland, but now, without the means to 'create funds' in the same way I did...by selling my 'life stuff'. So, were I to return to my origin point, I would find myself in a very different situation...and needing, in a way, to recreate myself there as well. For I am being faced with this very thing here....Re-creating.
As I look at the realms of possibility that each city I have visited and 'stayed' in offer...I can see more clearly the ways in which a community and environment can support a stage of consciousness.
I look at and listen to my beloved, who, - in most respects- is ready to go wandering into the world and allow God, the universe, Source power to support him fully...as he has done, and yet - - has the working knowledge that that experience is not always friendly or comforting or safe. He battles with the inner desire to return to the feeling that 'wandering' offered him - of freedom and a certain closeness and fuller 'dependence' on his Creator...a feeling I relate to greatly from the time just prior to my sons arrival on this plane. I had a moment of sorrow for the death of that part of me, as I knew it could not exist in the same way for me with this new being to look after. . . so I had to ask myself to 'do something different' ...and in this 'doing' - I found the community that I had always dreamed of...I found a place to be fully embraced and allow my gifts to shine forth...I found a place for my child and for my talents and spirit to grow. And then I met myself again...that free, wandering part of me that I gave up so many years ago...this part of me returned and showed me that it was again possible to be that free...or so it seemed... though the truth of the matter is that he had only stumbled on that truth for himself, but for a family...for several of us together, including a child, this was unknown territory, possibly impossible for the moment of perceived awareness, though not impossible forever, just unknown to him, to me, to us.
Though we attempted, with trust, and a big leap of faith...counting on each other and the mutual desire to fly...we have been scraping our proverbial knees time and again and have not fully gotten off the ground. I am wondering if 'home' could really heal me, patch my wounds and allow me a new place to leap from...one that allows my son access to the rest of him family and allows me access to my community.
What could go 'wrong' should I do this??? Return to the starting point??? Nothing really, though my beloved may not choose to come...my business partner, who has decided now to do business alone because of our distance, who I can tell is excited about her next adventure, could feel a sort of funny feeling about my return, though I know she would adjust, for she is also one of my dearest girlfriends on the planet. ...
And of this spiritual journey...I am sure that it goes on and on whether I risk all materially or not...whether I risk all in the way of people in my life, or not....I am quite sure that my evolution will go on and on because I have decided it will...because that is my desire and my mission.
I can see now that hoping something to be what it isn't already manifesting to be is a dangerous trap of our imaginings...for not only are things not always what they seem, but often things are exactly as they seem, without hopes of them changing...and sometimes, the promptings you have to do something are often for completely different reasons than you assume...
So, with that being said, and detaching from the results, the desires of my heart and the past... I move forward into the promptings once again - - to see a new vision for me and my son...with or without the man who I have grown to know so well, to love so deeply and to admire completely...for I know that he is on his own journey...that may or may not include us. I respect him and desire for him to have great fulfillment and happiness and to go wherever that can be richest and most full for him.
I sit in the realm which I have now created and speak to the Creator, which is myself, and the highest most prevalent energy in existence...the One Life, the ALL....I speak my intention to return to my point of origin when the timing is right, when it is appropriate and when I can move into that realm with command of my experience more fully....so, with that - I release this prayer into the great I AM ...knowing that it is already so...and knowing that all things work together for the good of all...no matter if that is clear or not....I say that it is all good and very good....and I release my attachment to this prayer...and move forward with what is rendered unto me here - - to take it in as the nectar of God - - as medicine....that my being may be renewed and enlivened to such an extent that any transitions will be simple, obvious and easy to fulfill....
I am grateful for this time of learning, this time of release, this time of love and risk-taking, this time of the great unknown being full upon the face of my experiences... I am grateful for a man, who I see as one of the great prophets...who I would stand with for all of time and eternity, if only I could see it benefiting him and not inhibiting his mission. I am grateful for the heart and passion that I see him embodying, for the whole of creation .... As the proxy for true acceptance of the Universal I AM within us once again, in full power and glory...in full manifestation and possibility. I am grateful to see this embodiment in action....to hear its prayers and laments...to know what my soul is capable of speaking aloud, and not only in my heart.
I am also grateful for the opportunity afforded me to know myself in a different way...though in some ways has felt belittling and 'less than' I have before known myself to be...I know also that I have received the gift of raising myself up within...where I thought I had already found love for myself...I realize that I had not, that I still hoped for the love of another to speak words I knew already for myself, but did not want to fully claim responsibility for their utterance. I do know that I have learned that the way I am was the way I wanted to be...for perhaps more than ever - I am appreciative of my own life path and mission, of the love I have for myself and the love I know I am capable of freely giving without expectation...I have known myself in this relationship - to be giving in a way that has not felt resentment ...for I have felt it an opportunity to give back to God...to myself in another. In a very strange way it has been like giving to another child...while at the same time being given the greatest teacher, friend and man to love.
I know that he loves me. I know that he has appreciated me and the time we have shared...though in many ways his vision is yet again, higher than mine...in that he sees not the need for relationship, he sees only himself relating to the God-Source essence of ALL. And on another hand, I can see that I have evolved my vision of relationship even farther than he...where I know that all are me, are God and because of that - union with another is a great instrument in the way of re-membering ourselves and raising our consciousness up, experiencing the family unit as a more congenial expression of the ONE. In either sense, both are 'evolved', just different views of possible paths.
So, whether we stay 'together' in the flesh, or not...I suppose ultimately it does not matter,,, only it matters if we are both able to live out our highest expression with joy and peace inside.
If this is together, as a unit and family, God bless us. If this is apart - leading on in our own ways...always loving and appreciating our time together....God bless us.
I move forward now with lighter heart and perceive myself lighter yet again...as I move out into the world of 'form' and choose to bring through the Light of the One...I ask for signs and messages that show me how these things are gracefully playing out for our good....my own and my family, my community and my world.
Blessings be to all people on their path of awakening, relationship and love.
I continue to walk on - - embracing what is before me - - and expressing joy and gratitude for this life given me. AUM.. I AM