As I pondered the common purpose baby daddy and I came up with last night to hold our thoughts on together this morning, while jumping into the shower moments after the little one closed his eyes and shower-time was upon me...I found my thoughts wandering to India.
I spent a lot of time in India before the kiddos came along...traveled there three different times, attended an intense immersion yoga course and just lived a raw-existence that sometimes feels like another life and more of a fairy tale than it does the precursor to my now.
I was remembering the fact that just before baby daddy and I hooked up that I had finally let go of my long time commitment to love a man I met in India nearly a decade before and left there, hours after he proposed to me because I was too scared that we'd never make it...both of us being so 'free-spirited' and 'fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants'...I regretted the moment I left for at least 10 years, attempted more than once to set it right again with planned trips to his country that always seemed to fail...but that was beyond the scope of this mornings musings...
My thoughts went less to him and more to the me I became upon leaving that sunny beach where I last saw him, and how my hair was partially dreaded from months swimming in the sea and laying in the sand and how I traveled North from the beaches to the desert dressed in make-shift Indian "women's wear" despite the fact that I had knatty hair and wore Birkenstocks.
I remembered how I had bought a train ticket to Pushkar, but had gotten off at the wrong stop...I was traveling alone and jumped back on the next train knowing my ticket was likely no good for this train, and so I just found any available place to sit in 3rd class unreserved. If you've traveled Indian trains, you know this is the most common way to travel for the simplest Indian person...it is crowded, the seats are wooden and everyone stares at the western traveler because they must be amused you chose to ride this way instead of in first class, where you likely can afford the better seating.
Having no "real" ticket, I chose to change train cars every stop, so I wouldn't meet with any trouble from the conductor...I wasn't really thinking, as I am sure he could have assisted me in getting the right ticket, but I was new to this "traveling alone in India" thing, as I had arrived with friends...and now I just wanted to get to my destination without trouble...
The part of the trip that stood out most in my shower 'walk through memory lane' this morning comes now...stepping into the train car with, what I realized "too late" to be an all male car...all Indian male car...and I was the newest spectacle...
As the realization hit me just as thoughts of western girls being abducted in these parts from likely a situation just like the one I was in...I made my best effort to not act the part of the selwar kameez I was wearing...
I wasn't Stasia in that moment, I was JAI MA!!...
...a bad-ass incarnation of the holy mother, and these fools better not mess with me... It was in this moment that I noticed another of "my kind"...on an upper bunk near by. I could have sworn he wasn't there before, maybe he was just meditating quietly before, but he was wearing all red and had huge dreads, so it startled me a bit that I was only now aware of him...
His eyes opened, gazed intently at the men who had been staring at me inappropriately and making likely crude comments to one another (based on the looks on the faces of the more business-like men nearby)...he said something to them strongly in their language and they quickly looked away. I knew he had spoken for me.
For the rest of the journey, they gazed back only a few times, but they seemed now to have fear in their eyes...with a bit of hopeful mockery.
I made it safely off that train that day...and to my destination in the deserts of India...while learning a valuable lesson. You see, I was trying to "fit in" with my Indian garb...dressing how the Indian women did, but my hair was not in alignment...I should have dressed like myself. I could have more easily aligned with the truth of who I was in moments of discomfort had I dressed the way of my heart and mind...all parts of me needed to be married in a common purpose.
And so I return to the shower this morning...the common purpose...
(oh yeah, and the poopy diaper that proceeded the shower reminding me that if I ever want to travel to India again, this time with the kids, it will have to be after they are out of diapers...there is no way I am going to add to the obscene amount of visible trash in that or any other 3rd world country with my baby's poopy diapers...gross.)...oh, yeah, where was I?....
So as I washed off the stank and proceeded to listen to today's Yoga Nidra practice, complete with my common purpose with my baby daddy dubbed in as the 'Resolve'...making the whole thing just a matter of time until it comes to be...(as a Resolve made during Yoga Nidra is bound to come true)...I smiled as I realized how far I'd come...and how committed I am now to the life I choose. No returns.
Years ago I would have abandoned this crazy relationship with all its uncertainties and misfires, the seeming non-commitment and fears arising in both of us and the way it just hasn't been all peaches and cream. But today, I am knowing the truth of something worth having...and that is the unconditional love it takes, the alignment with the inner core of truth within myself and the willingness I have to transform myself and find the beauty that I know exists in what I see before me.
You see - I have realized that it's always just ME - standing there before me. And if I don't like the picture, I need only change the insides.
Thank you India, thank you confidence..thank you Alanis Moresette.
Finishing up my superfood smoothie I am reminded that I need to head off to the health food store after baby wakes for a restock. Just in case you were wondering how I start my day in order to get the wheels turning and support this super-spiritual mama lifestyle (wink wink nudge nudge)...here is my smoothie for today:
1 cup almond milk - cause I love it, great taste, good protein
splash of rice milk - to thin it a little
1 ripe banana - good texture, potassium, sweetness
handful frozen mango - love them - makes it cold
1 Tbsp Maca powder - YUM - malty flavor, balances hormones like crazy
1 T. Cacao nibs - great magnesium, enzymes, crunch and hello RAW CHOCOLATE is healthy
1 T. Goji berries - chewy texture, great vitamins, minerals, sustainable protien
squirt of Flax oil - Omega fatty acids
1 tsp Mesquite powder - blood sugar balance
1 tsp Spirulina powder - Omegas, protein, enzymes, Goddess, greens are good for you - you know?!
dash of cinnamon - tastes great
1 tsp chia seeds - more Omegas...interesting texture like tapioca...
Would add Cacao pwd...but I'm out, gotta shop
Blend
Deep breaths as I finish my drink and smile to realize it's still before 11 and I have already said my morning youthfulness affirmations, meditated, showered, stretched, had a smoothie, gone over the edit for chapter 1 of my up-coming book, got my 7 year old off to school with a packed lunch, changed a pooper, written this blog, read all about Indra's Net on-line, as recommended by the amazing Merlin of my reality editing and publishing my book...(you should check it out)....
I think this blog is long enough for today...
The message of the day - align yourself with who you ARE and you will escape the conflict of life trying to tear you down...BE YOURSELF Fully, completely, with NO Shame...and you will be rewarded.
This is what I did yesterday, the action that proceeded the invitation to come together on a common purpose to think on together with the man I love very much...and the father of my little bright star.
Life can be a kicker...if you let it.
Here's to Bliss in the House this day and every day.
For all you crazy Spiritual beings, Parents and Parental Spiritual beings..and just the be-ers...and everyone else. . . Namaste and Bliss In.
Stasia
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