Reflection, recollection, collecting my thoughts and feelings on this day, one year forward from the day a most important event occurred in my life...and in the life of those around me. My second son was born...Karuna Ray came into this world...not in the way I expected...not in the way I had planned, nor my body had anticipated, but come he did...as the days chill and the leaves fall to the ground I can remember vividly the moments leading up to his labor and the way it all went down... I don't think I could ever forget it.
Though I'd birthed before...there I was birthing myself again, birthing another being...for the first time...it causes me to ask the question - what is in a birth-day?
Today, it feels like such a celebration of life, of new life. Not just for Karuna, though for him definitely, but for everyone closest to him. For his older brother, it feels especially potent, he can remember the tears last year which he shed once realizing his mother was not home and that I had indeed gone to deliver his brother. His words in the morning were ones that will stick in my mind forever. "This is the most important day of my life!!"
And it was.
Not just for him, but again, for me too....and for Karuna's dad.
You see, on that day, the day Karuna came to us...I became a different kind of mother. Yes, I was a mother before, but it had been easier to believe I could still have a life of my own sometimes and put the mothering thing to the side, I admit, still trying to hold onto my individuality...I was a woman AND I was a mom - of one. Yes, that was all true. Women who have had another, and even another - more than me- can likely attest to the reality shift it is when you go from one to two. I was really a mother - I had really, undeniably birthed again...and I was deeper in this mom thing than ever....I was in it. . . I was it...it was not going away or being watched by someone else - - I had two boys...two boys I adored and loved and I was new again. New in the eyes of being mommy.
Another birth happened that day - - Tage, my oldest - - became a big brother. What a change that was and has been...what a gift to watch this little boy, who had been used to being alone, an only child, for so long - it seemed....become a big brother. He was so proud, he was so grateful and today - for his birthday, he put on slacks and a dress shirt and started setting the table for a celebration early in the morning...and though I couldn't let him stay home from school to celebrate (which he did not like too much - as he thought he should be able to -) he sees this day as one of the most important holidays of his life - - his brother was born today...and in turn, he was born a big brother.
What is in a birth- day?
Some people rave about their birthdays, needing special attention and loving gifts, some ignore it all together and pretend it isn't occurring, others fall somewhere in the middle - doing some celebrating, but not wanting to make a big deal out of it. For me, the birth of a child is more like my own birthday than the day I was born, truly. For I remember their births and I remember what happened to my life on those days and every day since. I was birthed, as the woman I am today, by my children. So, to them, I am grateful...for choosing me...for coming into my life and blessing it like no one else ever could. They are gifts beyond compare. I love them infinitely beyond any explanation or need to clarify.
My oldest, Tage and I sometimes butt head, well, a lot...but he is such a gift to me...one I wouldn't trade for anything...he is deeply in my heart...he changed my world for the better in a way I could not do for myself. I love him. His birth -day is my biggest day of Birth...a remembrance of when I first grew up.
My second, Karuna....he is the one who sealed our family into a unit...he is the one who came like needle and thread to a wound and bandaged us up...and he still does it every single day of his life....he is the healer, he is the heart mender, he is love and compassion in action - he is our Karuna Ray.
Today I celebrate the ability to birth myself again and again...through choice and through children. I am grateful for the miraculous power of a female body to grow another being...one who loves you beyond any boundary. For when I feel broken or alone, it is my children who come to my side and love me so....they see me purely and whole...they know my heart because they grew next to it.
If you do not have children, you may still birth....other things such as songs, ideas, projects, crafts, ventures, etc. are all things we put our heart and soul into and nurture into maturity...and see flourish in this world if we give them our all. I am beginning to learn that if I am divided between my "ventures" and my children of flesh, ...sometimes they both suffer. So I am recommitting myself this day - the day I birthed again - - to my children, to my life as a mother, as a nurturer and I am trusting that by putting these two beautiful beings first in my world...all else will fall into alignment.
May this day be full of love...and may Bliss be in your house - as I invited it again and again into mine.