Heartache, Dissolution and the Miraculous Portal They Are...

Some of you know I have been preparing for a bold and brave adventure for the past 7 months. One that would bring me face to face again with someone who helped me unlock a magical gateway into the unknown and fertilized my life with possibility for years and years after.

To get the back-story, I found myself, years ago, in one of those 'rips in time' sort of spaces, the kind that feels like it was only a dream and impossible to repeat...anywhere again, ever, though I would never stop trying. I met a man who would end up being the measuring stick to which all subsequent relationships would size up to (or not) - (totally unfair to any man who would enter my life for years afterward), and I finally realized that if I was going to get on with my life, I needed to face that unclosed chapter, and close it - (or allow it to magically reopen anew). Once and for all.

Have you ever found yourself in a place where every person is straight out of a story book? Where time stands still except for the cycle of the sun and the moon? Where magical powers are activated in you and truly anything is possible? I did. I feel extraordinarily lucky to have found it, to have shared it with others and to have produced multiple poems and writings based on it which have been like the backbone to my spiritual body for so many years. The clincher is....did these magical moments lift me up, higher, forever more for having experienced them??? Or did they end up crippling me when life could not match their significant heights for years after?

I just returned from a soul-journey to Ireland. It was grueling, intense and ever so important to my life evolution. I knew, going into it, that it could go "either way" - that I could find the man with whom I'd fallen in love with all those years ago, and he would either drop everything to be with me again...when our eyes met and the spark rekindled .... OR - he would show himself to be in an entirely different reality, uninterested, or unready to pursue any sort of reality with me...and I would get to find closure after so many years of wondering.

Closure is an important element. Without it, it is as if soul-pieces remain distributed out into past timelines, inaccessible to the present body/mind. Even more importantly, the soul-piece can leave a portion of the heart out of reach, untouchable and incapable of loving fully. I had awareness of my soul-piece missing, but undervalued its significance and effects on the rest of my life and other relationships. It wasn't until making the commitment to go on this journey and close down this alternate timeline that I began to see just how much of my heart was placed back in time.

Ireland was an opportunity for not only release and relief, but a very powerful journey into the past where I faced all the parts of myself that had clung to the magic, the moments and the memories as foundational structures to my inner reality. When I faced the man with whom I fell in love with years ago, it was more shocking to see him, in his current chosen reality, then perhaps for him to see me. Who knows, he seemed pretty shocked. But for me, I was faced with the reality that people do change, even though their soul-essence may remain the same. People can make so many different choices that their "make-up" shifts to reflect something so far from what had previously been embodied that their physical is near unrecognizable.

For me, I realized I had not changed so much, but only deepened and enhanced the magic and the beauty that I had found in that seed moment years ago. For him, he had tucked such magic away, as a secret place in his heart, and gone on to live contrary to such awareness, embracing practicality and "worldy matters" as somehow "above" and preferable to the portal we had accessed years before.  To face such a reality placed me in the delicate position of release, realizing I had a "break-up" to walk through, where my soul had remembered an extension of our union unended - only suspended til a "future time." The present moment I found myself in had to come to terms with the fact that this reality I had held to was no longer the truth. I found myself sobbing in release and a bit humiliated for holding on so long, but at the same time proud and honored to witness such a pivot point in both of our lives.

The transformation that occurred for him during my time there was one of, what I might call epic proportions. For truly when I arrived, he was lacking any "soul shine" - no luster in his eyes, a sadness, a darkness even in his eyes and on his face. Over the days, the light returned to his eyes, the "sparkle" with each memory recalled. What started as resistance became a gentle opening, shock turned to gladness and sadness even. You see, when I arrived, I had also cosmically "timed" my journey with the end of another one for him. His "girlfriend" of several years broke up with him the day after my arrival without even ever meeting me. It wasn't because of me, you see, it just happened to be what was, and after which his appearance reflected a significant youthening phenomenon.

By the last night in Ireland I thought perhaps we'd rounded a corner. He was looking me in the eyes, memories were joyfully recalled and the idea that I was there during this most pivotal time became topic for query. Yet....he clung to an idea of his need for solidarity, that he was "lone wolf" and not relationship material. Where I could see the magic unfurling itself before my eyes, he held the blinders tighter. Resistance and fear kept him retracting from me, and I was certainly not there to "convince" anyone. Life would have to do its magic, I simply had the chore of adjusting and releasing as fluidly as possible in the midst of total discomfort and foreign territory. Which I did as best I could.

Upon return, I found myself without roommates, who suddenly decided, while I was away, that we no longer aligned in purpose and heart. As dishearteneing and shocking as it was to return to, after such a harrowing adventure, I was relieved as well to know the substance behind the experience I had invested the previous 6-7 months of my life to was less than I had believed it to be.

As a portal into a new reality, heartache and life "dissolution" are supreme - for nothing of the previous can remain, therefore opening doors you never considered prior to the destructuring. I would have never thought of moving forward in the ways I am looking at today had all the events and "losses" of the previous 2 weeks not taken place. In a way, I have been blessed with a cosmic reboot, a chance to begin again and imagine my reality anew. Where before things seemed "known" and drawn out in the manifestation scheme, now they are essentially unknown and fresh for the prospect of new visualizations, new dreams, new possibilities, new imaginings.

The journey I took to Ireland was an actual journey for me which included planes, trains, buses, taxi cabs, mile long walks with heavy bags, meetings with strangers, vulnerable honesty with "long lost" friends and tears of unthinkable measure with people I had never before met. Even though mine was a physical journey, it is not unlike the journey of many at this time. For as we move deeper and deeper into the process myself and others refer to as "Ascension" each one of us is being asked to reclaim our soul, to dig deep into the psyche and pull forward the aspects of self that serve the new creation, and to release that which does not enhance the evolution of that being. Trips must be taken into the relative "past" through tunnels of memory and unclosed doors to reveal the true essence one is able to bring forth and shine with. Some individuals must be purged from our lives, and others, whom we thought were no longer "with us" may suddenly again appear present and ready to move ahead on this journey with us.

It is truly an incredible time.

I could never have predicted, several weeks ago, which direction this train would steer. Where before, I thought the insights of the day could show me what was "in the works" - today, I am quite amazed to see certain "smaller players" in my life - as now taking a more prime role, and "larger figures" disappearing completely. It is a trip indeed.

Though we each may take measures to avoid heartache and the complete dissolution of the reality we have "worked so hard" to create, to preserve it at every turn, sometimes all we need is a brilliant cosmic reboot. Sometimes the "worst" moments of our lives are the perfect forest fire which provide the fertile soil of new beginnings, that which we never knew we always wanted. As long as we can allow ourselves to "go through" the black hole of dissolution completely, to trust the unfolding, to "go with the flow" of the breakdown, we will be led forward into the heart of the new....which we could never have imagined in our previous state.

Though I am still in the dissolution state, and unsure where this new road leads, what is "coming," what reality I am entering at the end of the old, I feel a quiet sense of peace, a trust in the process unlike anything I have previously known. It is like a giant sigh of relief, as if I created all the "madness" just to get to this point....knowing my soul knows better what is being created on the other side. The heartache is still fresh, but having gone through a dissolution of epic proportions multiple times in my life, the landscape is not foreign to me, only varied in its manifestations.

My advice - to both myself and others finding themselves in such a position of perceived 'loss' and release - is to BE IN IT. To Let it Be....and see...see what is perculating under the surface, what is rising to the top...as the cream of these rather "churning" experiences. For truly, the inner life is adamant, at this time especially, to come into full-alignment with the potential that exists within each one of us. There is a force, greater than the external mind, which KNOWS - purely and beautifully what this being is destined for....and is pulled, drawn in the direction of that thing - that expression forever more. And if we are out of alignment with that soul-expression...that infinite miracle of manifestation that WE ARE.....we will cause a "detox" in our reality, so as to purge anything "out of alignment" with that truth. And so here we are.

Though I am grateful, I am still moving through the grief of what feels to be betrayal of life. Though I am, on the one hand, trusting and certain that "a better life and reality is just around the corner" and even in this now - showing its face in my present moment  - I am still processing the "losses" and acknowledging the tears. What I am saying is that it is okay, and even crucial to the journey to not "fake" the happiness. But instead, to be in the mess of it - to swim in the pain and check out all the dark places revealing themselves, without fear or abash.

I chopped my hair up with nail scissors, and I am not in the least bit concerned, in this moment, with how that looks to anyone else. I just had to do it. It gave me a freshness I needed, and it let out a bit of aggression. - - This kind of behavior is healthy to the process of change. I am not yelling at my children or blaming anyone for my pain. Yes, there were circumstances which occurred which felt shady and out of alignment with honest living. I see those for what they are, and at the same time, recognize that it all worked "for me" somehow, in order to allow for the new-life emerging. This I must trust, for I truly believe there to be no accidents in the cosmic unfolding of what is. My "Best Life" is always bursting forth from the ashes of the old. . . yours is too.

In the potency of this Sagittarius full moon - the Moon of my "natural" and most potent sign, I choose to sink into the awareness that are showing themselves, to travel deep into the heart of this Now - and to shoot arrows of intention into the light of my own unfolding. . . my remembering, that is moment is all there is - and THIS TOO IS BLISS - - as odd as it may seem, as uncomfortable as it sometimes is....what is magnificent is that Love is still doing its best to BURST through the seams of this eternal moment. My children are bright lights - with beautiful smiles and pure hearts which warm me up and remind me of what is important. Friendships abound, help is on every turn. Genuine hearts exist around me, and I have created a life that is forever blossoming with Love and Miracles - for that I am grateful.

Life does its best to sort out that which is not "your best game" - if you don''t recognize it and do it yourself. Sometimes it is a bit shocking, other times it is no surprise, just screwy timing.

This month, I am diving into the new reality, that is my highest aligned expression yet. . . even though I don't know completely what it is yet - - I do sense art in it....I do sense creativity, music, colors and love. I don't need a romance with a person to fall in love with the Holy Moment unfolding through life with me and my boys. . . Rather, a romance with Life is afoot...unlike I have never known. For that -  - I say thank you heartache, thank you Ireland, thank you abandonment, thank you disillusionment, thank you tears, thank you darkness, thank you friendships dissolving and love unmet, thank you new vision, thank you innocence, thank you possibility, and thank you to the great Unknown.

Thank you - to my readers - for making it this far....and for the unique facet of unfolding reality that YOU ARE. . . and how your life, inevitably overlaps with mine, even in essence. So, for whatever you "get" out of reading this...and whatever magic flows your way....May you be surprised by the miraculous unfolding of Your Life....and may the Next Level - of your Amazingness reveal itself to you This Full Moon - - -This day, and a little bit more every day...

Love & Blissings,
Stasia