Thursday, January 14, 2016

Fear, Magic and the Journey of Us All ~ A Deeper Look at the Reunion Story

Clients often ask me when their healing work is going to be done? How many sessions is it going to take- For example? Others, who are a little more aware of the layers of "stuff" in their being, tell me, instead: "This could go on forever"... Transformation is a never ending process. True. But you can reach a new plateau - and then another one - and then another one - and you know what? The views and experiential deliciousness of each layer gets increasingly yummier the deeper you go. Truth.

Yes, we are always evolving, always transforming, shedding the "old" remembering more about the truth of who we are...when you really think about it - it is the most incredible process to be engaged in. The grand and eternal treasure hunt that continually reveals more talents, gifts and beautiful things within as the seeker continues to surrender to AND engage in the process.

That's the trick.

Surrender AND engage.

It can't just be surrender.

It can't just be engage.

Both are necessary if empowerment and true evolutionary magnificence is going to be attained (or at least experienced to a more powerful degree than you can dream - now). And believe me, if you can dream it - it's possible of showing right up in your back yard and blowing your ever prepared, fertile, yet sometimes naive, mind.

Perhaps the "old way" - the old "spiritual way," that is, is to surrender. Choose what you want to manifest - and then just "give it to God." I feel like this has been the methodology many people have been engaged in with the whole law of attraction game, and similar "manifestation methods. "Just put in your order to the cosmos, and then be patient, wait, watch, expect, until it shows up."

I suppose sometimes it does work this way. Or it has, it seems, for many.  But I feel there is a crucial element to this puzzle which has not been validated nearly enough. . . especially in the shift from a more "practical" to a more "spiritual" existence....and that is the ACTIVITY part. Taking Action.

Now yes, sometimes the action needs to be letting go. But many times, and more and more, it seems, what needs to happen to "set the wheels in motion" for a lot of folks, is to DO SOMETHING in the direction of your dreams, and then watch the universe take that active energy, that SHAKTI - and move it into the magnetism, bringing the thing you are aligned with toward you.

Recently, some of you know, I have decided to put energy in the direction of reconnecting with a man I fell in love with, going on 13 years ago now. I haven't heard from him in 4 years. We haven't seen each other since that fateful day I said goodbye and "let's finish this isn't time" on the beach of India when I was 29.  I'm 42 now.

A few weeks ago I told my roommates about this man I still held in my heart. It was days before my birthday. They are fantastic individuals and spiritual masters, in my opinion (and you will find I have a somewhat flexible interpretation of that). Basically, they are a conscious couple who do the work, and get through their shit. They do a fabulous job. I am honored to be in their company. Anyway, I was sharing this experience, of this man, all this time ago, and I started to cry. They saw through what I was saying to the experience itself. They were there with me. And like great friends do, they told me I have to go after this dream, to realize it - I have to find him.

Now sure, like all dreams, we have a part of us - ready to go for it - ready to actualize, wanting to see the reality of it. But if was easy, and we held no reserves, we'd have it - and it wouldn't be a dream. The very nature of our dreams is that we somehow feel they are a bit unreachable, or that it will take some big shifts for us to attain them. It's a stretch. And that's great. Good dreams DO stretch us, and in the process, make us the vibrational match of the thing we are reaching for - until we are looking at it - straight in the eyes. And poof! The dream is manifest.

That's the key though - - - making ourselves the VIBRATIONAL MATCH of the thing we desire.

Everything is vibration, after all. Everything.

So, if we don't have something in our reality now, that we would like to, it is because we do not, in our current state, match the vibration of that thing. Until we make a shift, and change the things in ourselves and our immediate environment that are out of harmony with that "thing," we will not see that thing or person.

I feel like I have known this truth for sometime, and even experienced its validity in various capacities at various stages of my life with multiple things I have wanted to manifest. I have seen it with houses and watched myself receive the amazing place by believing myself there. (I have also watched myself fail at this - when I have reached "beyond" my capacity to co-create.) ~ in those cases, I did not prepare myself for receiving the thing I "went for" and so therefore, I would not have been ready for it - and so it did not "come."

In the realm of relationships, I have also seen the magic of making yourself a vibrational match. Even to the point of starting to have conversations with the illusive "beloved" before they arrived, which prepared me and allowed me to "pull in the one" of the vibrational frequency I was holding. Sometimes, this has been a bit of a frightening process in the past. Having decided ahead of time that I would like to manifest a man with "A," "B" and "C" qualities who would x,y, and z with me. . . did not end up the way I would have imagined. For when the "man of my desires" showed up, and he did IN FACT have A, B, and C and he was ready and willing to x, y, and z with me - - I became a bit frightened and even repelled by one who would "fill my every desire" in such a way.

Relationships should be more fluid, and full of delightful surprises.

They should challenge you, but make you so desirous of "making up" that you will humble yourself beyond your current state to "save" the union and become better for it.

Relationships - in my opinion - should, in their greatest expression, inspire you into your best, authentic, empowered version of self. Not through fighting against the currents, but by the upliftment of the other and the reflection of authenticity shining through them.

So, I agreed, I had to find this man. I have thought this multiple times over the years, but never really felt like I had the support system to see me through the process. (it is a process, for sure!) Back-up was brought in by my other roommate, who pretty much required me to get on-line immediately, set up a crowd-fund, look at flights and get myself out of the country as soon as possible!  I needed the kick! I needed to feel the urgency in his words in the same way I felt them in my own heart.

So, I did it - I made the crowd-fund. My guts were in knots and all manner of fiery nervousness filled my being as I prepared to hit the button and make it "live."  Now people were going to know! They were going to know about my most private, deepest heart's desire. They were going to see me - right in my wounded space. I had invited them to. I had opened the doors to my long-aching heart, and I had invited my entire Facebook friends list, along with a variety of email exchangers, to SEE my HEART. And to see my heart in this condition...

Now, what in the world was I thinking???

I had hidden this secret from the world for 13 years. I had felt silly, undeserving, stupid -even - for not going to find him yet, in all this time. I wondered if I had lost my chance, if he would even want me, if he had gone on - and how I would be a fool for having put my faith and heart and energy into finding him -- and NOW - I had done it LIVE for everyone I knew to behold.

Wow. I must have been crazy. I must BE crazy.

I am crazy, yes, afterall...(anyone who knows me can testify...;-) But truely, Crazy in the sense that I won't be told what to do - that I will be constantly inspired beyond boundaries and that I am sure - that no matter what the "system" says, or other people's opinion shout back at me, I WILL listen to my heart and "do my own thing" and believe what I want to about everything. Because I can.

So, here I had done it - put my heart out in the public like never before. Sure, I've done other crazy things - I am sure people are getting used to it. I invited a bunch of people, once, to a wedding I was going to have after only a couple of weeks of knowing the guy. I did. I thought it was true love, I thought it was magic. But after the first 2 weeks, other things began to reveal themselves, and I quickly discovered that I was not ready to go down the path this man held open for me. Perhaps it was the deep knowing that someone else held my inner key. I resisted the flow, and I opted out of the situation. Cancelled the wedding. It seemed like no big deal. But perhaps for the on-looker, it was. Maybe it reduced my "credibility" or ability to inspire, but so it was.

Another time, more closely related to this one - I decided to go to Ireland...I really felt drawn to the island. I did. And secretly, yes secretly, I wanted to find this man. I really did. But I couldn't talk about it. I couldn't shout it out. Something in me was embarrassed, or unsure, or unable to see how I would even pull it off. My oldest son was 4 at the time, and I thought I would just take him with me. We would travel the countryside and see the castles. It sounded really good. I had good intentions. I went through the steps to get him a passport. I thought I was moving steadily in the direction of my dreams.  But then a friend intersected. He was interested in my journey. He had a lot of money and he had a friend he wanted to send to Ireland as a gift. He offered to pay for my trip if I would allow this man to come along. It seemed benign enough, and well, in my head, it was a "win/win." He would give his gift, and I would get a trip out of it.

Oh, the complications that can arise when giving someone else control over your dreams!

As time progressed, soon my friend wanted to come along too. He said he wouldn't interfere with my trip. He was excited to see the country too, and maybe his friend would be more comfortable with him there. One thing led to another, and suddenly, my friend had taken over the trip. He wanted to invite others...and it seemed all fine and good, I mean, I could still have my trip, find my man, while everyone else did their thing...right?

Before long, it became "my friend's trip"... and Ireland was going to be too cold in October (when I was planning to leave). He quite suddenly, rerouted the whole thing to Australia....and then the whole thing blew up. 10, then 12, then 15 people were going, (my friend was very rich, you see). He was going to book yacht tours, and sailboat adventures, and on and on and on. Oh, the naivety of my mind at that time! Before long, (but not before I had moved out of my home, packed my belongings and my son's belongings into suitcases, prepped myself to leave and was staying in the temporary back house of my friend's place preparing for tickets to be run so we could get on a plane)...the trip cancelled.

Yep. He dropped the ball.

It all became "too much for him." He was sick, after all....pretty sick. It was why he wanted to send his friend off with me, from the beginning. He was getting near the end of his life, and he wanted to give him a gift. The excitement got the best of him, and he thought he could handle one more big "shabang" before he left the earth-plane....but alas, as it grew nearer, he found he could not.  Tage and I were mere casualties. The other young men who were going to score the adventure of their lives, all got a great education and went on to have their own adventures. Of course I understood his plight,,,sort of. but what of my journey? What of my dream?

Tage and I went to ground zero.

Right after the "going away" party.


Yep. It happened. and hey, it might be why I have many of those I love "standing in the sidelines" waiting to see if "this is really going to happen" before they decide to support me with donations. It's understandable, I can fully see why they might hesitate. Why they may have lost faith in me. Why they might question, as I make the proclamation and ask for backing. I can totally see. And I don't blame them.

But here is the difference....and here is the beauty of where I am now.

Life has delivered me some pretty incredibly daunting and grueling tasks and experiences for some time - - but it was not without being deserving of them. It was not without karmic need for their occurrences in order to bring me to where I am today - where I can even look down the barrel of this dream with full trust, with ultimate knowing and say "yes."

This time, I have so much failure on my side, you see, .... so many times that I did not do it. I did not follow through, I did not succeed. So many heart breaks, so many shattered illusions. And this is the KEY everybody. I broke myself down until there was literally nothing left to lose. No more could my heart go back into shape and beg to be broken again through tantalizing romances and good looking suitors. No long could I lunge for things I didn't have the follow-through for, because I have run out of those particular ways in which to try - with reservation.   I ran out of reservation.



                         I RAN OUT OF THE FEAR OF SUCCESS.

                                                I RAN OUT OF MY RUNNING AWAY ABILITY.

Finally, today, I find myself in the complete and utter inner "yes" ~ like I have never before experienced. It is the reason why I feel so confident and right and in alignment with this decision. I am confident in myself. I am sure of my heart, I know what we experienced (he and I) when we were together. It was purely otherworldly.  It was telepathically advanced. It was tantrically masterful - from the get-go. And I was an amateur just needing to wake up and remember who I am.

And I have - - at least enough that I am ready to go forward.

Many of you have heard my story and have offered me very great realistic advice. Though, I am not a realist. Many of you have queried as to whether I have contact with this man and if I know where he is or what he is doing. And to them I have answered - that I know I have this overwhelmingly huge pull in my mind, body and soul to see him again. That it is time, that if he is still the man I knew then, that he feels it too. I can say that my telepathy is increasing again, my psychic abilities are opening back up to the place they were when we were together...I feel his have surpassed that time, and mine are speeding up.  Just as with men I have drawn in in the past, who I did NOT know ahead of time - but would talk to prior to their arrival (which always worked) - this man and I are carrying on daily conversation...and moving through so much of the hurt and experiences of the times we have been apart. . . and all this before even a flesh meeting.  This is where the psychic mind has gone.

I have to say, if I had been shown, even 3 weeks ago, what I know today to be happening in my reality by preparing for this reunion, I would have been in disbelief. But I am watching magic happen. I am living in the place of miracles yet the portal that I KNOW opened for us in India years ago - is opening again...that place that only felt like the pages of a storybook.

You know, I never thought I could tell the tale without writing it as fiction. It was such a stretch for even my mind then, when it happened....and that is why I left the mind behind in order to jump into it in the first place, and experience the kind of magic most only read about.

Today, I am watching, amazed, as the days go by and the synchronicities increase. My psychic mind is being tuned and I am literally watching my home transform before my eyes into a place that reminds me of where I lived in India in those days. Literally, even the physical space is rearranging to match the vibration I am holding and bringing through. This is how it works.

Every day I am sitting in recognition of the space. I am working out the blocks that kept me from this man, all these years - all the other relationships, my personal guilt for having walked away, my history of non-commitment. I am facing all the fears, all the hopes, all the discouragement and personal disempowerment which has accompanied me over the years, though I feigned having myself so much together most of the time.

I am still, as the days go on, facing more and more words of "realistic expectations" from many who have called themselves my friends. It is not that I do not hear what they are saying, when they ask if I know where he is, or offer the option that maybe this man has another life or family or whatever else that could keep me from "realizing my dream." I hear the disbelief behind their words, not necessarily for my situation, but for themselves. I am hearing how so many of us lack the confidence in ourselves, not to "see if it could be" and go for it - - - but to KNOW IT IS - and realize it.

This is the place I am finding myself resonating with. The knowing. The window into the moment of feeling the YES so strong that it breaks the need for talking, for thinking, for any place to exist besides the one before my eyes.

What I am wanting to emphasize by writing this blog today, is that the power of manifestation and realization lies within each one of us...but it is the self-care, self-love and self-belief that allows us to align with the vibrational match of success we desire.

If we doubt, have fear, hold space for a "lower reality to be," or give ourselves an "out" for fear of
failure - - we are creating the very thing we do not want. So I say, to all of you who have a dream, whether it is a love you "lost" years ago - that you still feel connected with, or an experience you know is waiting for you, or whatever it is....a trip, a degree, an admittance of love....prepare yourself to receive this thing. Give praise for its arrival, move through all the worries in a healthy way, the same way you would prepare your house for guests. Clean the corners of your mind, of your heart. Get out all the cobwebs of regret, of fear, of blame. Find the "bottom" within - - - the place you let a  part of you land when you first walked away from your dream....for surely there is a piece of your heart and soul still there - waiting to be retrieved.

And as you do you uncover the treasures that you hid from yourself when you ran from your will find the YOU that was buried along with the treasures....and it will not be scary, but amazing and fun and like the best homecoming of your life.  The greatest part about this - probably for you too - but since I can only really speak for myself, I say this - - Now that it has been 13 years, and I am uncovering the me that was buried....I am seeing all my gifts have been refined, all my joy, deeper, all my knowing, more pure. I am seeing with new/old eyes - I am in deeper love with myself than ever before and it is beautiful in every way.

I don't want to scare the skeptics, or cause for anyone to project pity on me or doubt...but I want to proclaim to my highest conscious self, that I know this is happening. I know this reunion is nigh. I can feel it in every cell of my being. I hear him, I see him in my vision.

What I hope this journey of mine does for you - is give hope - hope in the magic....I hope a knowing, that is innate, but so often lost, that life is magical, that transcendent things happen - - occurs for you.  In fact, I call upon Hope and Knowing, my personal muse, on behalf of all beings. That today may be the day that you believe in your dreams again...that you believe in magic, and that you allow it back into not only your heart and your life, but the world.

The world is a magical place....for sure. Hidden Kingdoms exist just awaiting our remembrance of them...awaiting our acknowledgment and our appreciation. But we cannot see them, or experience their magic without discarding our doubts and fears. We must believe we did as a child. And if our childhood sucked, and we did not have magic - we must take that unhad childhood back NOW - - and call in the magic with the heart of the child in every person.

This whole world is crying for magic to return. It is our birthright and more of the truth of who we are than logic and reason ever were. Yes, there are times to use the mind, to practice structure and routine and alignment with the linear. There are times to arrive and depart that are better suited, and often we need these tools to navigate the third dimensional reality we have been living in.


A shift is upon us.

I am more sure of it than nearly anything else. My children reflect this knowing as well. My 8 year old son is becoming increasingly psychic and is able to leave his body at will, I watch him do it.  My 2 year old is asking to meditate and beings are starting to appear with more regularity from alternate realities in my space. I don't tell you these things for any other reason other than to encourage you to believe. . . to stretch your ability to allow in beauty and possibility and abundance, more than ever before.

Life was not meant to be lived small.

What if I told you that Masters living in Mt Shasta were walking the Pacific Rim with my love, on their way here....and I heard them tell me so. Would you believe me? Or think I was delusional?
Would you decide you didn't need to support my journey to Ireland because "now he was coming here" - so she says??.... how convenient.

What I am saying is that MY JOURNEY is YOUR journey. We are all One.

By believing in ME - your dreams open up a bit more....your life transforms.

I am holding open a pretty big gate friends - - come on, let's jump through it.

Every day, I see a little bit more the significance of this thing...and I am encouraged and amazed and honored to be in the place I am. Perhaps I am interpreting this thing in a way that is not precise, it's okay - I'm not hung up on the details. Perhaps I am speaking this all for YOU ~  Who even cares if what I say is real? Or true? if it inspires you just a little bit to live from the heart, take risks and enjoy the life you were given.

I'm out there on the line - I've made the announcement that I am going to see the man I have loved, but haven't seen, for 13 years. I've decided this is the year. As much as this makes me vulnerable - it has also ignited an incredible amount of power within me. . . and this is the magic to which I speak.

At the beginning of this blog I mentioned how some people wonder how long it will take to heal, or if it will go on forever....and my answer to this - for wounds and for love - - is, it will take as long as you choose it to take.  When you are ready to become empowered and the captain of your reality - when you are ready for love because you are so in love with yourself you can hardly stand it - and it makes you giddy - - then, you will be.

I love you all beyond words and invite you into the space of no-time with me, to dance on the shores of our greater reality, to be inspired by grace and love and the natural world. I thank you, for making the journey through my this place. And for that dedication and curiosity - I say - life will surprise you.

Thank you for your support ~ in all ways. And if you were one of the skeptics, or realists - thank you have enriched my journey and inspired greater surrender into the active dream space I walk in. . . I can't wait to continue to share the continued journey with you all and reveal how all of this unfolds.

If you feel like supporting the reunion with my love - here is the link.

In all other ways,
May magic sprout miracles for you ~
this day and everyday.


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