It is early March in 2013...while I tried typing that I 'accidentally' wrote '2012' and then '2014' before getting the '3' in there...I wonder what that means??! Probably nothing, and yet - time keeps morphing in ways I could not explain. I am sitting here in what is known as Salt Lake City, for what timekeepers would label one week - and yet it is surely much longer than that...so much has occurred...and yet very little at the same time...does that make sense?
How did I get here you might ask? For only a 'short time' ago I lived in Portland, OR. teaching yoga, authoring books, making chocolate, part-time parenting...and now, I am not teaching, not writing (except in this moment), not making chocolate, parenting full time, and not living in Portland, Oregon. What happened? It happened. IT happened...THE event I had been counting on for a millennium...true. Though nothing as I would expect it, expecting nothing, only hoping, only musing, only passing time with leisure activities and interests... and NOW. . . now it is here, and life has turned upside down, every side turned every which way but the way it was and what is being asked of me in this newness for which I anticipated for all of time and no-time? I know not fully.
What is IT, you may ask?, This monumental occasion for which all things have been traded in for their illusive counterparts? The only way I can describe it without it sounding too mundane or being confused with events some may be familiar with and so therefore missing what I'm saying entirely - let me just say that I saw my true reflection in the mirrors of the illusion and chose to jump down the rabbit WHOLE after myself ...with full abandon, ready to release all previous fears and made-up identities about who I thought I was, to embrace who I have always known I could be...I stepped off the ledge, so to speak...I followed the shining light around the corner into new territory and left behind all traces, nearly, of who I used be.
In this ledge-stepping, it was required of me to 'sacrifice' or 'trade-in' - at least for a time - the identifiers to life 'as it were'...to find 'life as it could be' with the finding of this aspect of me long hidden from myself in the realms of eternity. I know, still illusive, but I feel I must remain such - at least at this juncture. Those of you who know me, know of which I speak, and some of you can feel it...perhaps it seems obvious...and this is how I knew it was really worth going after - really worth stepping away from all the friends, jobs, community and life I had created so beautifully up until this point in my life...I knew because in the glimpse I got - through other eyes - of me, that me - that whole me - ALL of me in my truest essence, in my purest expression, in my most present and powerful possibility - in this glimpse I could see a life worth trading it all for. Okay, so now it is more plain for me to say that it was not for the man himself...and yet he was (and is) there/here, rather for the plain opportunity being presented to me - through the experience of a relationship with him - from spirit, to step into the parts of myself that could be deeper explored, parts that hold real treasures as yet unearthed.
And so, in this glimpse of possibility, I left my home, I sold nearly all of my belongings, I moved my child away from his dad, I quit all the work I was doing and took myself to unfamiliar territory...I drove south - the farthest south I could this side of Texas - and 'showed up' to make a go at life from a new perspective. I moved my son and I to Yuma, Arizona.
When I arrived to the place 'the other part of me' waited, he was 2 days into a water-fast. My son would not be arriving until one week, and we drove out to a campsite 35 miles north and set up camp. It was there we lived for the next 15 days while 'the other' continued the fast. You have no idea what kind of issues someone else's water fast can bring up in you when you are living in close proximity to them and doing little else. The sun shone and the winds blew. The coyotes howled and owls hooted... days came and went while we practiced yoga asanas, breathing and meditation. I was nearly at my wits end come the last few days of the fast. I was almost convinced that he didn't want me there at all and I had 'traded' my whole life for 'god-knows-what'. This last part is actually true, because only God knows what is really going on at any given time. Why had I really done what I had done? I had seen a greater potential for my existence then what I was living...and so I followed the current, that also seemed to be radiating from his direction.
Life took us into town to the home of family...from here work seemed to arise that was taking the interest of 'the other'. At the same time, I enrolled my kiddo in his very first school experience, mid-way through the school year. This second event was not prepared for properly, and though my kid is very bright, we had not been practicing the sorts of things he was confronted with in the classroom. Unfortunately this mis-alignment of interests left him feeling like 'a moron', in his words, among his school mates.
During this time several opportunities presented themselves which would have allowed for a smooth integration into this new world and open up possibilities that were before unseen... and yet both of us missed the boat...an opportunity for advancement within his job as well as a place to live - both could have adverted imminent disaster...the kind of disaster that led to a quick exodus and relocation that we are still adjusting to and looking for the opportunities to arise within.
5 days only, after the first day of school, and 10 days of working did it happen...the proverbial 'sh#*' hit the fan. and it hit hard. Family, which was already unsure of our landing there...and now, spending a significant amount of time away from the campground, and in 'common-ground' was beginning to lose patience. Vocals rose and with them came the inability to see the horizon...the place from which a new life births. We were asked to leave the grounds. Well, that is imprecise, it was more like we were threatened with legal rights to usher us off the property if we did not voluntarily leave.
Now, don't get me wrong, I was trying my best to be present with an already uncomfortable situation and allow for the universe to open the opportunities for us to be where we needed to be. Granted, we had missed a few cues already, so now it was tight...we would be in danger of trespassing soon and yet, it seemed that some areas of life were opening up. School was in session and 'the other' part of me - - he -- was busily engaged in personal training sessions where he could really put his truth into action and support others in improving their life. I could tell it was making him happy. The last thing I wanted to do was to stop that...and yet here we were with the 'notice'. I wasn't sure how to comfort myself in it and I felt I needed to ask my folks if their doors were still open for our coming there. And when I checked, they surely were.
Now, ever since I moved away from Utah in 2000, I have never ever seen myself moving back. I have had a great disdain for the way the city is over run with commerce and the 'beautiful' places seem few and far between or hard to get to,,, or simply don't exist. I love my family, but felt sad they had all decided to stay in Utah since our big family move from Portland in 1988. In my current predicament I felt I had very little choice...we needed a place to live that was financially not demanding of us at the moment...where we could 'launch' from and find our place in the world. And so...on a Wednesday night, just a week and a half ago, late in the evening, with car packed and tears in my eyes - we headed north toward Las Vegas...my little one oblivious to what was happening.
The next night we drove as far as St. George, UT where the weather was still nice. We had been greatly spoiled in Yuma to have spring, if not summer-like weather, day after day. It was a difficult move to get past the warm weather...so we spent 2 nights in St George. We also struggled personally. . . at times during the road trip it seemed this little family was going to crumble. My boy was coming down with something...it could have been the quick and un-discussed dissolving of the life he was beginning to know...but whatever it was - it caused friction. My partner was unsure about the move as well, as he was missing an appointment set up in Yuma for 2 days after our departure...something seemed off.
What could we do - - ?? I felt compelled to finish the journey north and have somewhere to safely land my head and child. At this point of the journey I wasn't sure he was going to stick with me anymore and I had to start thinking for myself, it seemed. What would I be doing if it was just me and my boy? The answer seemed obvious. -- get to my folks. Go to where you are welcome, where the love is.
Okay - so then came perhaps the most important part of the journey. ,.the most transformational that has made everything after it possible. . .when I was truly ready to surrender the love and the relationship I received a revelation of what was really being asked of me in this communion, in this coupling. I saw how this man was here to truly serve the One Life, the Greater Good, the LOVE - more than any being I had ever known. I saw that my love for him, was my love for that truth...and that I needed to release my need to be loved by him, to be needed by him and instead serve only that love - - to give for the sake of supporting him in his mission to serve the ALL. I knew that it was possible that if I could truly do this, with unselfish motives, that it may happen that he loves me the way that I need...but this could not be the reason for my service, for my love. I could feel and know that God wanted to bless this man in every possible way, to give him everything - love, family, riches, foods, all manner of blessings -- and that I was being used as a portal for those blessings. that it would continue to be true as long as I had no selfish motives for this love...And so that night, in southern Utah, I released my need to be wanted...and surrendered to the greater mission of LOVE.
All has changed from this. All has changed. I felt a true and deep transformation occur in my body and mind...the needs and desires I had were gone... my love was purified and I felt sure in and of myself in this mission. Our love and relationship has miraculously transformed because of this. A fortification is occurring. I trust that because of this change...that all else will be added unto it - that by the time we are all in our health again that it will become clear what we are to do - what is next - how we are being asked to serve. To that I surrender.
So, one week ago today, we landed in Salt Lake City. It was 50 degrees and it seemed like a good omen of welcome.
Since arriving the major cleanse has been passing through. My little one immediately came down with it - and has been feverish, coughing, chilled, not sleeping, achy, etc. for a week...I started coming down with it several days ago and really got hit hard last night. My partner has been mildly affected the past day or so... and is off to the gym for a reprieve. On the first Monday of our arrival, we went to check out a gym for which I had made inquiries for work through, and ended up signing ourselves up for a month membership there. It is a great place - like a big fitness mall. It feels good to be there. We have not, as yet, had the opportunity to bring my son there - due to processing of his deep emotions and body stuff...perhaps tonight.
So this all brings us to Salt Lake City on the eve before daylight savings time begins. I sit on the love seat in our room, the room my grandmother lived in before she died...with a scratch in my throat and a still unsettled question in my mind of what I am truly to be 'doing' here? Do I go back into realms of familiarity and teach yoga again? make chocolate? entertain health & wellness as a 'job'? or is it being asked of me, of us to try something new >? Has the universe gone to all this trouble in order to prompt me into new action, new possibility? And if so, what is it? For, truly, I cannot see myself going and working for someone else at a 'regular job'. and yet, we need to do something in the way of 'making a life' for ourselves. Though he and I both see this in very different terms than the rest of the 'many'. Somehow we know that we are not ultimately in charge, that there is a 'greater good' playing out and we are merely hands in it. So, now we ask - I ask, for the benefit of myself, my family and the greater good in this region, and in all of existence....what will you have me do - universal source? What will you have us do? What is being asked of us? called forth from us? What is ours to do - now? in this space/time in which we find ourselves? And why here? Why Salt Lake? ...Please show us the way.
As I sit in what seems to be the 3rd month of 2013 - - unsure that time really has the same hold on me it once did...I open myself to the miracle that is transformation and turn over my whole life and what I thought I knew into the universal wheel to churn out what is greater, what is more whole, what is more beneficial to the ALL...now. For me to recognize and take hold of in the way that I may serve the people, serve the Oneness, serve my own evolution and the evolution of All.
Thank you, thank you for the discomfort, the trials, the sacrifice and the wandering...I know they will amount to something.
My heart is large...as I feel the relationship I have so long felt on the periphery of my existence now in my present moment. . here. . . full and beautiful. Like a home-coming, like a relief after long waiting. I am grateful for the presence that is brought home to me with this soul in my life. For this alone is all this worth it.
So, to this I say - - there is nothing that can keep back the great love - - when you know it, when you commit to it with all of your heart and when you are unwilling to be the one to walk away, as you have always done - but instead choose to serve only LOVE. . .not the love of the relationship, but LOVE - the eternal loving presence that IS.
That's all I have to say for now...Bliss in the House.