More and more I find myself on the most crazy roller coaster, wondering who bent all the poles crooked.? I used to feel more balanced and capable of surfing the craze with grace, but these days I just feel like someone pulled the wool over that whole concept called reason and rightness and I am wandering around in a strange land where I have to keep asking what I did to get myself here?
It is so paradoxical, really. For, on the one hand I feel more aware than ever before. I am more conscious of what I love, what my passion is, where my goals are, and feel no qualms about moving in the direction thereof. AND at the same time, I feel some invisible block, a force, a karmic retribution of sorts, flying into the face of my plans repeatedly trying to take any breath of success away. Why is this?
Your guess is as good as mine, really. I am struggling with this one, totally.
The only thing that makes any kind of sense to me is that I am stuck in the whirlwind called "my partner has to ground himself in a chosen direction or else"...and this is having serious implications on my ability to move forward.
First, let me start by saying that the man I am currently partnered with is one of the most incredible beings I have ever encountered. He truly is. I have no doubt he is a Lord somewhere on another planet, in another galaxy and is a bit confused by his incarnation here, but I'm not. I see the enormous flood of frequency that man is able to channel and the force of change he is for all that stands around him. I am in awe of his ability to stand in the middle of the hourglass and hold all the sands from falling further in any direction while he stares the eternal moment dead in the face...unwavering.
He is a loving father, a kind friend, a master of non-attachment, a yogi, a teacher, he is patient, he is truthful, he loves God, so much I am not even sure he knows how to interpret the depth of emotions to which he reaches. He wants nothing more than to ascend off the cycle of life and death and yet holds to the humility that says he isn't sure if that is possible. In all the time I have known him I have seen him open his heart up and pour out love where previously there were no words or abilities. I have watched him friend my 7 year old, converse with strangers, love my parents, rub my back when I'm crying and heard him pray his guts out for the answers he so desperately desires.
Here is the clincher...We are heading through a major life-transformation together...he is facing the greatest force of his life thus far, as his soul seeks to find an identity while he struggles not to have one. Life is asking him to choose a path and he doesn't know which path to take. Love asks him to be a father while courage challenges him to know the higher reality where we are all parents and children to each other. A divine dichotomy is doing its best to tear an unmendable rip through our experiences and I am doing my best not to take confusion personally.
Wow. It has to be my greatest challenge to be doing this thing together. I know I asked for someone who didn't fall all over me, and worship the ground I walk on , but sometimes it would be nice...just a little.
It's funny, cause this all feels so private, and yet I know that I am not alone in this world or in these feelings...I know that to you, the reader, many of my struggles you share.
In this I find comfort and also my need to draw on courage.
Isn't it easier to live the silent, private life and keep our struggles to ourselves, all the while allowing others to believe that everything is peachy and then be stunned when they find out all is not? Well...I guess all is not for many of us...though many of us are working towards it being so. Hoping, praying, committing to the possibilities as if there was no other way out.
What if there was only me...and the other one I see is just another part of me...? Can I have a problem with the way myself is? Can I sit in the room with me and be irritated and let that be okay...let it be a practice in detachment, in love, in compassion?
Yes. That is truly how I see it to be....
The truer and deeper question is, can I be with a man who loves me, but is not head-over-heels in love with me? And should that be the qualifier for a great partnership? Certainly not...AND...there is something to be said for romance. ... Okay, 2 years under the belt, nearly...should romance have died? Well...perhaps it barely made an appearance already, but I still have hope. Maybe we are doing this whole thing backwards and that part comes at the end.?!
I believe so many things opposite to the way they manifest....why not that?
The question I leave this writing with is HOW...can I...best support the man I love in his times of imbalance, in his times of low, less than and powerlessness, when he feels like he dislikes where he is and what he is doing, without...WITHOUT taking any of it personally.?
Today I tried to listen. But I couldn't only do that. Sometimes I feel if I do not say it, we will replay it. You know?!
Am I blessed to ride this wave of "figuring it out"with him until he truly does?...is there nothing I can do to facilitate it more speedily? And don't get me wrong, I know I have just as many things to figure out as he does...we are just working from two sides of the same stick....somethings are known to us both...other things we are in the process of sharing insights...let the process go swiftly and with love in our hearts.
If I give everything I have and my whole heart, is it enough? What if the other is unwilling to accept my gift? What if they accept but don't know how to handle it? What if they are learning to handle it, do I have the patience to see them through? Should I have it?
Once upon a time I met a man who looked like my son. He brought me into the challenge of presence the way only I had the ability to do for others. He challenged me, he challenged me some more and he pushed me beyond my previous boundaries to find new ones and to declare my self. Later,...after spending countless hours with my son and with me...his life gave me another life...we had our own child together.
With my two boys I feel very blessed and at the same time very overwhelmed, at times, with mothering. This man is the missing piece, the love in my heart, the reflection in my eyes. I see him as no other and I care for him and his happiness deeply. I ask spirit, friends, the universe to bless us...to help us to move out of our stuckness by inspiring us into actions and situations which can help us to thrive and live our own life together as a family with options. I ask for a home in which to live with my little family and grow and laugh and play and be. Our own home.a homebase my kids can feel safe in.
I ask for fulfilling work which my partner can enjoy and abundant blessings for doing that work.
And as the day only just turns into Sunday for me here in the desertous state of Utah, I reach into my heart and find gratitude for the many challenges and opportunities to raise myself up, to be a better person and to love and commit more deeply to anything than perhaps I have ever allowed myself to do.
God is Love,
May you find Bliss in your House...as I find it in mine, through laughter and pain.