Sunday, June 22, 2014
Sitting at the Top of the Calendar with My Eyes on the Inside-Out
Half-way through the year from the portal of my incarnation, I peer out into the brightened world this day with widened eyes. The summer solstice is upon us...as it is, I cannot help but think of dear friends who have recently made a move up to Alaska and who get to watch the sky hold it's light these 3 days...without the veil of blackness being drawn. I am in awe of this. At the same time, I recognize in which ways this same phenomenon plays out in my psyche as I take more conscious account at this time of what my spirit is longing for...where my awareness sits...and what observations are being made as life is lived more fully now in the light than ever.
Practicing my "spirituality" while being a mother on occasion presents unique challenges. "Personal time" versus "Parenting time"...for example. Sometimes the biggest challenge is to take the first - in order to do better at the second.
My now 7 month old crawler is adamant about checking out every little thing...if he could, he would be eating like the rest of us, going on morning jogs and staying up for hours smelling every flower, playing every note of the piano and reading every book. I can see he is like this.
And...to the best of my ability, I am helping him accomplish this on the level he is working at. Every fresh fruit that I think might be okay to let him try...which I am currently enjoying...I allow him to munch to an extent. He drinks out of my water glass and reaches for my tea. So far it is only water and coconut water which he is allowed to drink...(besides the fountain of living mother),..and in his waking hours we go on walks and explore the yard...but I can see it is always falling short of his desires. Perhaps that would always be true, even if I gave him all of my moments.
Alas, at some point, the mothers arms tire, and the yawns arise...and even though he would rather not go down for sleep...we both need a break - and so down he goes. Very rarely these days does he fall asleep in my arms or at the breast. Each and every nap seems to be a struggle of his will against my own...the acknowledgement of my time to "recuperate" and "refresh" being just as important, if not more important than his need to continue to explore.
The 7 year old is quite another story. These days he has taken to a particular video game which challenges him to build structures of any sort. He can literally do this for hours. I struggle with getting him off the screen and out into nature to walk with us, off the chair and into the grass to play with us.
I can see he is greatly inspired by yet another opportunity to build something...and what used to be hands-on LEGO creations is now making fingers move in another way, back and forth, back and forth...seeing virtual buildings come to life before his eyes. Part of me thinks he ought not to spend so much of his "free time" staring into the screen...while, at the same time, I reach for my laptop as the little one goes down...and I wonder of the reflection.
And then there is the idea that perhaps he is really finding a passion...something he will continue to derive joyful expression through. Perhaps this is the seed of his later life...something to build...something to make...what if he is one of the youth today who literally builds new the structures of tomorrow? How can I deprive him of the inspiration he so obviously finds there with those virtual blocks?
"Unschoolers" would teach that whatever is grabbing their attention should be nurtured...and if it is not to be, sooner or later it will fall away on its own. I think my social conditioning has sometimes got the best of me as I tell him to "get off that computer and do something more life-giving"...is that what I really think? Yes, I believe in balance. Yes, I believe that by nurturing all parts of us we can blossom in the areas we are meant to...so yes - - I do think variety is important. And yet, during all these months of displacement and change, I am finally happy to see him anxiously engaged in something he so delights in. Trying to find the balance.
In the morning of this half-way mark...a day of sunshine and bright faces...I am at the same time drawn inward just a bit - to notice the place I now stand since the winter days sent me off into fresh times with full arms. As I look around at all that has been cultivated and sown, I am happy to report that things are growing...however slowly it seems to be. Growing still they are.
My website is up and running, my 5th book is nearly to the presses, my newly configured consultations are jump-started and I am feeling more organized than perhaps ever before. I am practicing patience in a way that is also new to me and in the slowed down, steady state I stride, I find I can do this too...I can do slow and steady. Somehow, I have always wanted to run, to do things "now" and "fast" and "all at once"...this has given me many experiences and much to report...many memories and sometimes too often, a bruise or two along the way. But in this new slow and steady pace I can see the view more clearly...pick up a craft and enjoy the day. At this pace I am finding new footing and new love for life in the smaller things.
My biggest hopes and dreams are still present within me, and yet I am finding that now perhaps I'll reach them as I take just one step at a time, instead of 10. Sometimes, running too fast leaves you to go back and pick up the pieces you dropped along the way, if only to discard them at a later time. In this way...in this new pace...I can choose the things I carry forward as I see them in my now. How did I miss this before? No mind. No mind.
In the No mind I find that it doesn't matter, that every thing before was the lovely chatter filling up the pages of my beautiful life. Even the strife was kindly flavors, the wonderful memories one can savor or leave behind...or use to tell the tale to another, perhaps make amends with my mother, brother, sister, lover...I can recover from the fast-paced life...choose the jewels it offers, make the moment prosper, make it count...show myself how. I can always re-calibrate in the now.
Finding where the sun is highest, living up to One who's never bias...cause we're all connected, woven into the tapestry of the biggest picture of beautiful life...I'll be my own husband, my own wife. And in that self-acceptance, of falling in love with me...eternally, completely, endearingly...I know the reflection can't help but re-appear...I know that the mirror always is clearer when I do the polishing - in here.
So sitting at the top of the calendar, poised and ready for the slide back to the place where I entered in...I'll reach my hands up high and applaud myself for a job well done. I'll let my children be the wonderful people they are and remember we're all One. Noticing the flowers blooming in the room of ME...I can truly and wholly appreciate the sunshine the grace and the human family.
Deep Breath in....
It's all coming together somehow.
If you haven't noticed...Thursdays I'm on the air...I'm posting links to the shows on here. You can go back and listen to the ones you've missed...starting to love the way my spirit is - - reaching in all directions...home to the heart. Feels -every day- like the start is starting once again. I know my foundation is pouring...hardening with every repeat. The routine I've created is surely telling the universe that I'm serious about going somewhere...while staying put in the life I've made, I'm making...the one in my head and the one I'm constructing...some of it visible, but some still unseen...the mortar is there and the blocks are all growing...maybe that's why my son is so focused on building...
I know kids are mirrors of our inner psyche.
Bliss is in the House.
I hope it's in yours.